Coming home for the summer, walking down the bridge to my senior year of college, and being incessantly bored, stressed, and overwhelmed all at once. It feels that this topic has weighed on my for years and won’t leave.
Before reading this: Don’t patronize me about this topic. In return, I won’t patronize you for talking about your daddy issues.
I spent hours looking through endless activist posts about LGBTQA+ people and I stumbled upon one that included that polyamory flag. (see above) This flag is not a well known symbol of practicing ethical non-monogamists. Honestly, most people who practice non-monogamy ethically or not tend to be quiet about it. It isn’t like being gay or straight, or anything in between. It isn’t like being transgender, its like being a monster.
Polyamory is often grouped into a fetishistic place similarly to bisexuality. It’s not considered a sexual, romantic, or gender identity that sets you apart and simultaneously groups you with other queers or straights cisgender people. But instead, it leaves you out in a weird waiting room, alone. I feel I’m in a glass box with tinted windows. I can see out perfectly, but when others look inside they just see a dark figure looming in a corner, not a human with so much love to give.
I could yell and scream for help from the inside of the box, but the people looking in at my tinted darkness see a raging beast of uncontrolled desires. And then it seems to make sense to them why I’m here in this box where I’m hidden from the mono-sexual normative world, because I’m a freak. Humans practice mono-sexual relationships because you only need one love.
“one love, one life,” etc.
Then it comes down to needs. “I only need you. I only want you. I ONLY SEE YOU.” all of these SINGULAR ideas. No duplicity. No multiplicity. Forget more than one, there are none but one. And having anymore is simply problematic.
Because monogamy is simple isn’t? or is it? The whole point of it is for you to some how find your single soulmate in a world of billions of people. Meanwhile, the average person only has physical access to less than millions in your area, fewer if you’re on a tiny island somewhere or an isolated rural town. And if you only have one soulmate and you can’t find them, whats the point?
Some people scoff, and say “How could I let my partner see other people? I’m way too jealous and in love to allow that!” and similar ideas. That’s fine. I mean, if you know yourself well enough to know that more than one partner makes you feel unstable and bad, then don’t have multiple partners. But to tell me that people any where should only have one partner and that its disgusting, ridiculous, overly complex, and immoral to have more than one partner, is pretty hypocritical. I’ll respect you for having one partner, because your happiness, sexuality, and interest in a romantic partner is NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS.
I don’t feel jealousy like others feel. I don’t own my partners. I don’t own anyone. The point of polyamory is to be free. And happiness is found in the ability to love — in whatever way that may be: sexually, romantically, both, neither, etc. — for everyone, to everyone, by everyone.
But the word mono-sexuality is only known to even a select group of people who are even aware there are other options that just one partner at a time. A lot of people get things confused with serial monogamy, and polygamy, and polyandry, which aren’t the same ideas. These ideas don’t cater to the core meaning of polyamory which is freedom for everyone. Of course every relationship has rules to help respect and love each other, but they are on the terms of EVERYONE involved and not just the person in control or “wearing the pants” in the relationship.
This idea of the relationship not just having more than one person, but also being on the terms of EVERYONE and not just the traditional dominant lead male role or the nagging submissive female role blows everyone mind. That a relationship of more than one person is about equality and consent of everyone.
So that’s why most practicing non-monogamist stay quiet.
I haven’t been quiet like everyone else, and I seem to be losing more friends and likability over it.
Maybe I have to be quiet now, and I’ll find a new way to communicate these ideas. But to everyone who is so afraid of polyamory. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. If you don’t like cake, don’t eat it. But don’t hate everyone else because they had their cake, and they ate it too.
I wondered to my piano sitting up against the deep ocean blue wall where I broke it setting it there. I found myself composing, but then stopping and not liking a single note or style that I played. So I played old songs from high school and before. My oldest songs. I found them so utterly depressing I cried.