Category Archives: Internet Speeches
As I sit here crying because I’ve just rewatched my favorite film “Cloud Atlas”, I am reminded of change and dreams.
For a long while now, maybe a year, I’ve been in a slump. I’ve been thinking over and over about how my life is a “drop of water in an endless sea”. Pondering over how tiny I am, how mortality is so finite how could any of us bare the idea of immortality? How I will die inevitably and everything in our waking world is a distraction away from this death, it’s a monolithic movement toward a fake idea of eternal life. It doesn’t come from the Christians, although they now propagate this idea, and it was before the Greeks, before the Babylonians (pre-Judaism), and it was before writing. Humans lie. We lie to ourselves about our fate.We try to block it out, pretend death isn’t lurking under every rock, waiting to trip us up and break us, we shout “DANGER” so quietly.
I’m trying to be honest to myself. Telling myself of my death, that whatever I do, I will die. I’ve been giving up hope, I’ve let all my dreams go. In my depression and in my turmoil I have said “It’s impossible, I’m 1 and 8 billion+ and I am nothing.” I am nothing because I choose to be, but not because I am.
In Cloud Atlas Sonmi said “Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”(David Mitchell, author). When she said this, she is staring at a room full of fighting. Everything knows death is inevitable but they are fighting for a better life. Dying for a better life for the other.
My eternal best friend Savannah said to me: “You aren’t great because you are great, but because I say you are great so you have to be, because I want you to be.” Now this sounds very backwards, but I knew exactly what she meant. She meant that even though I don’t think I’m great, or have purpose, or meaning, I am great because she knows so. Then she said “You may think you don’t have a purpose, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give yourself one. Make one up!!”
A few hours later a woman came out of an Irish bar on to the sidewalk where Savannah and I were standing, I gave her a light and she said to me “I want to be your mothah!” and then “Go do something amazing, change the world.”
More than all the religious and socio-political philosophical truths, I know that humans are only human with other humans. And we can only change when we step into the view of the other. The moment we see the point of view of someone unlike ourselves who is apart from us can we begin to understand we aren’t so different. The only way we can learn or affect the world is by changing ourselves.
I heard once that you don’t have to change the whole world to be marvelous, you only have to change one tiny world of someone else’s to make an impact. I hope to change a few, even if those worlds are just my immediate friends and family, I can be ok with that.
I won’t give up though, I’m revisiting my dreams of being a writer, a musician, an archaeology, a teacher, a lifelong learner. I am finding another path and I don’t walk alone, but I am connected with those I find, everyone’s whose path touches mine.
Those who are great most of the time never knew they were. They died, maybe for a cause to fight for the other and are remembered as great because they changed one tiny world, that created a wave to affect many. They weren’t great because they thought they were great, they are great we because we think they are. We think. Present active Indicative plural. We are plurality and individuality and we are being.
Every stage of my life has been belittled and the next oncoming stage glorified. Why? I think it may have to do with the idea of constantly chasing the carrot held out in front of us. It’s a terrible way of forcing us to progress because we feel small and worthless.
In each era, you are told you will soon meet the “real world” as if you aren’t experiencing it yet. What really is the “real world”? Is it the constant grind of sleep, eat, work, pay bills? Because I don’t think that means “real world” that just means capitalism. The “real world” is never the same for any singular person. Everyone has a different experience and according to the laws of philosophy: no one is ever wrong. Reality is relative to your experience, upbringing, culture, and beliefs. My “real world” is totally opposite to the “real world” of someone living in Mexico City, Berlin, London, Beijing, or Dubai. My “real world” consists of hobbies, family, friends, activities, personal art, and adventure. Yes I work, yes I go to school, yes I pay for things, yes I eat and sleep. But these things do not make a “real world” these things are characteristics of living in our western culture.
So who came up with this stupid idea that telling kids while they are trying to develop themselves that they aren’t even close to being in the “real world” yet? They weren’t born yesterday, they’ve experienced what it’s like to be hurt and be happy, to see pain and heal. Just because someone is younger than you or experiencing something that you’ve already experienced doesn’t make them lesser to you.
I’m 19, to most people I’m a fetus. Meaning, my development as an adult is so small and insignificant I mustn’t be capable of understanding things without a guide. I’m not a fetus, I know how to walk by myself.
I say all this because every step I take, I am told is not enough. “You’re not there yet! You don’t know what the real world is like!” Sure I dont have a full time job, my permanent residence is listed as my parents house, and my bills are paid. But why do these things make me less of a human? Why do I appear to others as if I’m useless or purposeless?
Let me ask you this: What is so special about your life that makes it worth more than mine? What makes your “real world” experience better and more “real” than mine?
The Happiness of meeting again after a long time
There are lots of ways that people can be separated. Whether “separate” meaning ending of a relationship, friendship, or bond; or meaning separated by distance and time rather than breaking off that relationship, being apart is painful.
I’ve had friends all over the world, some which I’ve been able to see yearly or more and others that I have never seen.
I have friends I’ve grown up with that became the closest and most important people in my life graduate high school and go far away for college. It hurt to be apart from them. It hurt to lose the physical connection we had and to lose the fulfilling meetings we used to have regularly. But we had retrouvailles when we were finally able to get together during summer, winter, and spring breaks.
Separation changes relationships and changes people. Communication and visiting become more special, but also more difficult. Talking to one another can become a chore, or become monotonous because the same questions are always being asked. “How was your day?” “What did you do?” “How is everyone back home?” “How is school?” “What are your classes like?”‘How was work?”. After a while it feels like there is nothing more to say over the phone or via text.
It feels like the distance between the two of you is prying a wedge between you even more than you thought it would.
It’s costly on everyone in many ways. Seeing friends means gas money, spending money for activities, and food. Seeing friends means a plane ticket home or to them, expenses of travel and the like.
Being apart from friends means you might make new friends and lose those friends, or the flux of new friends is whittled down to the ones that you actually like talking to you, rather than the ones which are just convenient to converse with. The difference between a study buddy and a real pal. It costs time and effort to be happy, to stay happy, and to preserve the happiness that you have with those you love most in the world.
The hardest part about these expenses, is making sure they are worth it, and remain worth it.
Something being worth your time is far from something which is just convenient. Although, convenience does assist in keeping things that are worth your time.
Convenience is having a neighbor that you can barrow things from politely and they have the same relationship with you, but you wouldn’t invite them over for a heart-to-heart about your dying uncle and the struggles of cancer in your family.
The kind of person you invite over for that serious conversation who thinks you are worth their time is the friend that maybe it isn’t all that convenient for them to see you. That’s why it is special when you see each other, because when you do, both of you have planned that chat, that cup of tea or coffee, that special meeting spot, or the favorite seats in your living room. The date’s been on your calendar and it has been something the two of you texted about for weeks. Making sure both could be there around the same time, prepared and with lots to say.
But also with this best friend, you don’t always need something to talk about. Silence can convey what you need it to as well. Because sometimes all you can say is “I’m so glad you are here,” with me because I need you and you are worth it and I love being with you because I love you.
And you know they are thinking the same thing and don’t need to say it.
Harmony in the those moments of retrouvailles.
arousing curiosity or interest; holding or catching the attention.“an interesting debate”2. A term used meaninglessly and copiously by those with nothing better to say.
synonyms: absorbing, engrossing, fascinating, riveting, gripping, compelling,compulsive, captivating, engaging, enthralling;
So, now that we know what it means, what does it really mean?
To me, an interesting person is someone who rarely bores me, even if what they are talking about is on the uses of tylenol. What my current dilemma entails is a girl whom with all circumstances and experiences should be the most interesting human on the planet, but she is one of those humans I have a difficult time speaking too without a group. Our one-on –one communication I would think would be amazing, since both of us have similar interests in langue arts, linguistics, history, and religion; it seems though, that she and I cannot hold a conversation with each other in an empty room for more than a half hour without external input.
Secondly, I usually assume that people who are well educated, well traveled (even if thats just in the united states, Canada, and Mexico) should by default, according to their money spending track records, an interesting and well rounded human being. These people should be eye catching, have good stories(even if these stories are fairy tales, making it all the more interesting), be inspiring, and be ready for adventure.
Unfortunately, I can’t figure out why this woman bores me to literal tears. Ultimately, I’m too hopeful and tend to lend my friends one too many chances to surprise me with their intellect and make me laugh with good(or terribly bad) stories, or even better: make our own stories; but damned if they don’t because I am drained by these individuals. I give all my funny(or sad) stories to them, I share or invent adventures for them, I invite them to raving mad gatherings and try to inspire some spontaneity within them, but I’m slowly but surely giving up.
ART. Art is another thing — when individuals can appear to appreciate all the artistic things of the world, from fashion to music and dance but are depraved of having creativity it brings me to my knees with disappointment. Sure, we need non labeled artists to be inspired by labeled artists, but all humans should have true creativity, they should be able to more than clone paintings and crafts.
Contrary to some people’s belief, creativity isn’t all spontaneity and divine or other inspiration, it is cultured by loving adults who teach young children to let their brains be free, let their eyes wonder, hands move over material, and feet jump at every chance, or voice squeak when their soul sings through their body.
Back on track, I can’t grasp the strangeness of humanity’s ways. I’m baffled that chemistry is what connects us but, but philosophy and politics is what separates us.
I need to think about this more.
I know it’s silly that I say this, but humans kinda suck at being human sometimes.
Like those times when we are all “oh I’m so good at talking to people and being the social creature I was created to be,” and all the sudden you hate everyone and don’t ever want to see human faces ever again. Unless it’s in a TV show where you don’t have to interact with them physically.
I’ve had times like this lately.
Then there is the other side of being less human: people who lack empathy and mercy, they are the people who have shut off their human compassion to hedonism or some strange thing.
Ironically enough, I have met a sociopath. Many people think that sociopaths are the ones that lack empathy or connection, but I think it’s the opposite. They have empathy, they crave connection, but they don’t have the capability to perform them in the human way. They are angry in love, they are angry in empathy…. just angry.
Differing from a psychopath, a sociopath can be attached emotionally to others, but it is harder for them to. They also tend to be very strange and hard to connect with.
Normal humans, can be hedonistic, but that’s like taking a part of humanity and putting a magnifying glass over it and using selfishness as your governing motive. Base needs are taken for granted and greed replaces reason and sympathy.
Normal humans experience greed, selfishness and other things but can look past oneself and care for others, it’s part of what makes us human, because we can control ourselves this way unlike animals, who mostly will rely on instinct and survival needs to function.
Humans complicate their lives with everything….. like blogging for instance.
A useless and rigorous application of words to random subjects that catch my interest fulfills my need to write mostly. But sometimes my personal blog isn’t personal enough since, it is published to the world.
A human thing, to have self-importance. A silly human thing.
The traditional “sober up” phrase usually refers to being intoxicated by alcohol or drugs. But, I think people can be intoxicated by other influences. I think people can be intoxicated by video games, their obsession clouds their vision into a different reality and they dont act themselves. They dont make rational decisions and they say things that are so entirely uncalled for it confuses the people it is uttered to.
People can also be intoxicated by other obsessions, like their job. Workaholic is a word for a reason. But what I really want to talk about is the intoxication of love, or obsession with another.
This is something people write billions upon billions of songs about. Loving someone and not being able to get over it, being a never ending love story with someone, being hopeless and helplessly in love and not receiving it back. Blah blah blah.
I think the world needs to sober up over their love for themselves and their love for love. Everyone is so obsessed with it. They are obsessed with this impossible romance, and this unconditional love that lasts forever. It’s crazy to expect that from the world when you can’t always expect it from yourself.
I need to sober up too. From all the ignorance and over emotionalness. I need to sober up like the rest of you. We need to get off this love drug.
I’ve noticed I can’t tell anyone anything without starting at the VERY beginning. I feel like if I don’t tell them the back story to the present story they wont understand it. Maybe I just think people are a little ignorant, or maybe I know they are, but I am curious if I am using this “back story” telling as a coping mechanism.
I know I just wrote a blog on stress relievers, but those are specifically short-term. Those are in the moment actions to try to ease temporary pain.
But coping mechanism aren’t the same. They are long-term reactions and actions that are trying to address (or not address) ongoing or past trauma’s and problems. For instance, Anorexia, cutting, writing, therapy, working more, hyper focus on something, extreme routine, exercise, addiction (to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video games, gambling, etc.) can be a coping mechanisms. Bad or good they are. Bad coping can get you into quite a bit of trouble, as the addicts, cutters, anorexics, and workaholics know, or aren’t aware of. I know I’ve been a lot of things, and I think though some coping mechanisms are bad, if you end up an addict or something like that you learn a lot about yourself after you come out of it. Hopefully everything will get out of their addictions, at least the harmful kind, I enjoy being addicted to chocolate, its worth it. But that too is a coping mechanism. It’s comforting, its routine, and it brings about good feelings in the brain and the tummy! So, why do it if maybe it makes you fat? Because in the end it helps.
Sometimes, the “harmful” coping kinds can be the most tempting. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, party till you die, dance till you drop, or the other side, succeed succeed succeed or fail fail fail. It’s all a lot of pressure. We have coping mechanisms for our coping mechanisms.
Maybe you drink because you hate how much you work, so then you hyper focus on sex because your drinking and work are depressing.
Or, maybe you cut because you think you’re fat and then you become anorexic to take control of yourself in a way, then you eat a lot of chocolate and the cycle restarts.
Maybe you just want to ignore your life because it sucks so bad at home or you had a traumatic childhood so you play video games and eat all day, while failing financially and never getting an education beyond high-school. maybe you don’t even finish high-school and drop out.
The possibilities are endless, but its true, all of us are using these coping mechanisms for our coping mechanisms and it’s just a horrible or terrabad cycle.