Category Archives: Lists

A Stream of Consciousness List

Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature


63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands


88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.


Gaming Community, The Internet, and Sexism


Before we talk about these touchy subjects let’s make a helpful list :

1.We are creatures with sexual natures (asexuals you count too <3)


3. We are emotional creatures (except for you, psychopaths, you’re one of the reasons we are in this mess.)

4. We all face consequences for our actions, deservedly or not, equally or not, we face them.

5. Our bodies may have different looking reproductive organs, but we are two sides of one coin (or if you are genderless etc, you are the coin and I love you for being super cool, brave, and unique).

Ok so here are some articles I found while looking at news reports:

Game Reviewer Receives Rape Threats 

Continued article: ’30 Days of Sexism’

If you read these you will notice that this community (the world wide web connecting gamers since 19-whenever) is one of many genders, races, ethnicity, religions, blah blah diversity. Secondly, the gaming community in its wide diversity can be extremely narrow minded and can be extremely problematic in its ways of being offensive, abusive, negative, and even life threatening, (see: Swatting).

In the gaming community, things move fast and things change fast. But one thing that hasn’t changed too much is women being treated like a sexual commodity. I know this sounds strange, but I can prove it to you.

Here are some videos made by the gaming community about things that ACTUALLY happen (some of these even happened to me).

I kid you not, this kind of language and ludeness is extremely common among gamers male and female, but the intent behind them is simply offensive and wrong for both sides.

Because of the popular belief that most gamers are male (54%), the gaming culture has been formed around these chauvinistic stereotypes. This doesn’t tend to bother too many female or male gamers much, though there has been some marketing campaigns and arguments about this. “You can’t have a woman as a main character in a video game, it just won’t succeed.” (Jean-Max Morris 2013:1). This a sentiment that was argued by the producers of Morris’s game, obviously this is untrue. The sex of the main character has very little to do with the success of the game, actually, the more the game creates a community the more successful the game will be. The gaming community is comfortable for most people because all of us want to be there and participate, if we didn’t we would simply stop participating in the culture.

Females being treated badly in gaming communities is simple. Females started out as a minority in gaming culture because of the gender norms and boundaries set up in the way games were geared toward, war, violence, adventures, and monsters. These things at the dawn of gaming were “manly”, “rough and tough”, and everything but sugar and spice and everything nice. Now that gender roles in our society have evened out a little more girls dont feel like war, violence, adventure, and monsters are all that threatening to their femininity or threatening at all to face in a game. But from what I’ve seen is that the community of gamers was established on male virtues. Slogans like “Bro’s before  hoes”, “you game like a girl”, and “make me a sandwich” all stem from guys being the dominating figures of the gaming community.

Since males have dominated gaming for so long, girls who have eased their way into the community usually keep a low profile, 47% is a lot, but still women openly saying they are women on their profile or in game can be rare. This is because of threats like what Alanah Pearce received in the comments on her game review videos. For me, I’ve been online gaming in both the Xbox live and PC gaming (League of Legends mostly) communities for years, and I have actually met guys and girls online that I am still friends with after gaming since 2012. There is hope for the community to revive itself, but when environments are toxified by people with no actual understanding of what their words are doing, change can’t happen.

The best way to explain gaming culture is to experience it, but not everyone is interested or accustomed to the way gamers communicate and relate to one another. That is why most people write gamers off as uneducated and not very sensitive, when the opposite is true, gamers have feelings too we just express ourselves very differently. “Young people will always find new ways to represent their cultural concerns, in ways that inevitably alienate the previous generation. Such linguistic creativity as 1337 5p34K, characterized by adaptation and modification, has evolved from the game geek’s need to express and communicate within a supportive community of like-minded participants.”(Blashki and Nichol 2005:85) What we lack is support usually, because the gaming community is very competitive and raunchy. We like the raunchiness to a point though. Things cross lines, and our ways of communicating can be taken to whole other levels of bad. Swearing is normal, insulting people randomly is normal, threatening to rape, abuse, assault, swat, etc. is not normal or legal.

Finals Week Check List

1. Some how reacquaint myself with Alejandro

2. Get more people to accidentally flirt with

3. Cuddle with everyone

4. Fail an audition

5. Environmental Science class is still not accomplishing anything

6.English Composition II is still not accomplishing anything

7. Be annoyed by my ENG II teacher

8. Talk to Dr. Teacher

9. Send love notes

10. Get rejected

11. Cry pitifully to oneself during class

12. Throw papers manically.

13. Throw oneself onto couch in desparity

14. Devise evil plans

15. Watch stupid videos

16. Facebook too much

17. Listen to depressing music

18. Argue with That Pirate Kid

19. Get Married

20. Disappoint my father

21. Dont drive

22. Drink a lot of tea

23. Microwave a lot of tea and meals

24. Eat alone



27. Have cold hands

28. Play guitar till my fingers almost bleed and my hand falls asleep.

29. Count

30. Try to forget

31. Get depressed by the holidays

32. Cancel New Year’s Eve Party because I hate everyone

33. Unfriend a lot of people on facebook like a pro

34. Go shopping.

35. Video game therapy.

36. Block people on Xbox

37. Make new friends

38. Scrap four blog posts.

39. Pretend to do work .

40. Write long lists.

41. Go to Church

42. Send this link to people

Crazily Motivational

So maybe I’m not motivated at all to do things like:

1. finished the last 11 chapters of my Algebra 2 book.

2. Study for the ACT.
3. Be polite to certain individuals.

4. Learn how to control my emotions.

And all these things, I really need to do.

I need to finish my Algebra in order to graduate from high school. I need to study for the ACT in order to get good grades so I can apply to schools that are worth my time.

And another thing.

I’m feeling really useless. I’m feeling like nothing matters. I’m feeling like no matter how much I study, how much I learn, how much money my parents spend on my education, I will never be good enough. Doesn’t matter exactly what I’m “not good enough” for, but that I’ll never get there anyway.

Or maybe, I’m just hitting the cusp of my teen angst and there is no looking back now. Maybe these are my defining moments and I need to make the best of my algebra 2 and ACT while I still have time, or maybe this is just the end for you my friend. (New Found Glory). Sometimes I have a better hold of what I’m trying to say while I’m typing than when it actually is read… Context is all there is in my brain.

Then I heard this song, Selfless by New Found Glory, and they say “I’ll catch up on my sleep when I’m dead.” I really appreciate this. I dont get very much sleep anyways, since I think very well between 9pm and 2 am, but also that I like to get up at 9 and still enjoy a morning cup of tea and feel the morning breeze and listen to the birds. I dont want to miss any second of the day, which means I dont want to be sleeping through the wee hours of the morning/night.

Yesterday’s checklist:
1. Not know how to feel about who you had lunch with.

2. On one hand, they were acting fine, being fine, treating others kindly.

3. But on the other, they are also all those people you can’t seem to form a proper opinion of.

4. Question the definition of “proper”.

5. Environmental Issues was canceled so I made friends with my classmates in our empty time.

6. Reveal more about oneself’s life and hear about others more than you thought you should.

7. Here about That Pirate Kid’s strange summer sex.

8. Try not to look at The Fucking fuck face.

9. Be instructed by Dr. Teacher to contact Teemo.

10. Regret ever telling Dr. Teacher I still had his number.

11. Have bloodshot eyes, all day, errrday.

12. Be concerned about my own two-faced actions,

13. I hate bisexual girls.

14. Why can’t they make up their minds?

15. I need better friends.

16. Crush on someone

17. Become irrevocably disappointed in me.

18. Forget to reschedule counseling.

19. Don’t tell the therapist about You’re In Fucking California X’s return……

20. Try to forget about it.

21. Cry because he doesn’t want to talk about it

22. Wonder why we have to “talk” about these things.

23. Forget exactly why I keep feeling this way.

24. Psychoanalyze self.

25. Remember that I like philosophy better.

26. Philosophize about why I’m like this.

27. Metaphysics sucks.

28. Is it Cause to Effect? Or Effect = Cause? ugh.

29. Listen to really bad indie music.

30. Have band practice.

31. Remember why I love music and laugh hysterically with my mates 🙂

Ode to Stress Relievers


A Teenager’s Guide to Relieving Stress:

#1. Find the closest person to blab too

The more you talk the better it will be right? Get it out of your system? Well after talking to just about every single friend of yours, family members, random strangers, and maybe even the waitress that serves you lunch at your favorite restaurant everyday, you still dont feel any better.

#2. Try talking to a Professional

Hey, it works in most the movies, why not IRL (in real life) ?

#3. Decide you probably need to blow off some steam physically instead.

Run around like a child in  park. Jump off a small bridge. Get a adrenaline high by taking a run around the block. Play weird games. Still feel dissatisfied.

#4. Grab  a random make out buddy.

You thought this was the best idea yet.

#5. Oops.

You’re random make-out buddy happens to also have a significant other they forgot to mention. Feel like shit for 2 weeks.

#6. Video game + Monster + Cheetos Binge

You’re young, you’re body can handle it, just not the overwhelming pounds of homework, family drama, and friend catastrophes. When life gets tough, the teenagers get procrastinating.

#7. Decide to make changes about yourself.

Make quirky habits, like always folding your money in your wallet a certain way, or rearranging every salt and pepper shaker you come into contact with in the perfect way on that table.

#8. Pretend like everything’s alright

Everyone else is doing it.

#9. Try something new

Maybe drugs, maybe smoking, maybe a new video game, or maybe a scary combination of Greek yogurt and old crystallized honey bits with graham crackers.

#10. Try to forget you were stressed

Tell yourself many lies. Like : “I am the happiest person on the planet!” , “I love this song!” , “Best week ever!” , “School isn’t so bad.” , “I bet my mom isn’t the only women who will love me.”,  “Someday I’ll find my prince.”

lies (just saying)

#11. Wonder why you started this

Writing stuff on crumpled lined paper titled “Dear diary” isn’t making life easier. Re-watching old ’80’s films is also probably going to give you some type of eye cancer or something bad. Definitely something bad.

#12. Do random Google searches.

This will most definitely make you think about other things. But don’t visit WebM.D., You’ll probably end up being a hypochondriac and then in turn develop extreme germophobia, which will inevitably lead to agoraphobia, says WebM.D. anyways.

#13. Fuck it.

Give up the search and buckle down. Or not.

myhopesanddreams (life in Windows 7)

I hate everything

Because my friends and I are really mad. This is the tribute to our sorrows. “Rage and Love”









Kids these days.

We dont speak in normal sentences anymore, or in paragraphs really.

Poetry doesn’t always cut it, neither does song, or even a small note…

We speak in symbols.

Short phrase and moving pixels.

Small words and imagines that carry meaning farther than we probably know sometimes.





















and :

Congrats! You're An Asshole



doneanimeAlways wanted to use that one.

More reactions:

lilopillowLots of feels.



And then true sentiments:


This one holds true for me so much… the less good you do the less good you feel, so the less good people do, the less good everything this….



This applies specifically to me most the time because I find human interaction hard. I cant talk to people like I used to be able to. I mean, there are a select few I can actually communicate effectively with, but even them…. it’s hard.

Finding and keeping friends… I know the ones that are real are the ones that call me back though, even if we are angry with each other. We always call back .






Copy+Paste <3

Here is a totally random blog post for your entertainment, Minecrafter, Fey, and D the Lead Girl

I found this on Cyanide and Happiness’s Face Book page:



Then on that feed I found this: 

So, I had heard this before but this confirms my suspicions. Guys have a rule that you just cant pee standing next to someone. And the middle urinal is the urinal only to be used if you are the only one in the bathroom. I’ve heard of “Guy code” and “Bro code” but this is far past that. This is the unbreakable rules of the men’s room. THE MEN’S ROOM as in the only room where they get to be men and dick around. I find it very  funny they have this rule because in the lady’s room, most social etiquette get’s tossed out the window. But I guess we don’t exactly share the same space when actually peeing, we have our little boxes we sit in to protect us.

Quotes from this feed: (From all men mind you)

“Who uses the middle urinal??” (1,000 + likes)

“Urinal etiquette goes out the window when there’s a lit candle in the middle urinal.” (40 likes)

“Men who use the middle urinal know, that it is the rule of men to leave one space between urinals, so when you use the center urinal, you’re basically saying fuck you I piss alone, since most bathroom urinals have 3 urinals.”

“An asshole like me who’ll make eye contact with you to make you as uncomfortable as possible.”

Then I found this on the same feed: 







This is just a bunch of blah blah from the other day… if you feel inclined to bother.

I always remember the little details of things.

1.What song my friend and I listened  to the first time we met in subway when they still sold 5 dollar personal pizza’s. It was You’re Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring. He thought that when he said “far” he was saying fuck… haha dumb ass can’t read song titles and recognize chorus’.

2.I remember what outfit I wore when I first made out with a guy. My black and white ripped skinny’s and a black Jackson Pollock t-shirt. I was wearing a red bra, and I also had a sweatshirt that was my brothers. The song’s we played: Perfect Weapon by Black Veil Brides, More Than A Feeling by Boston, and some other awful bullshit.

3.I remember the outfit I was wearing when The worst X broke up with me. Vintage pink cashmere poncho with rabbit fur and white fish nets under a white fluffy skirt.

4. The talk Mr. Teacher gave me about hate.

5. Rosa telling me she felt like we were friends in another life and then never speaking to me again. We must have fought in our other life.

6. Calling Sarah, Rosa because I was thinking about how much they hated each other. She was pissed as fuck.

7.  Endless mistakes

8. Clashing teeth with the Fucktard.

I like this:


And that’s all.


This is what happens when I make dumb decisions. I write dumb lists about things that are real so I can reassure myself of…. existence.

1.I am really good at being vague.

2. This ability also makes everyone think really strange things about my weekends.

3. How I spend my weekends varies depending on the season

4. Why the fuck do you care?

5. I really need to stop being so impulsive

6. pullyourselftogether

7. Uplifting .gifs are nice.

8. I’ve been listening to really sad acoustic music for a long time now…

9. It’s hard to write because that gif is distracting me.

10. I really would like to just play music infinitely.

11. I wrote a song that is really sad but I dont have melody for it that I like.

12. I am trying to get better at arranging songs but it’s not easy.

13.  Journalism I am learning is not my strong suit, I am much more of a lit nut.

14. Philosophy is orgasmic to me.

15. This vid makes me really happy.

16. Minecrafter of Aphrodite and Fey are so cute…. they are my besties ❤

17. My brother is getting sent home from basic cus he almost died because of an allergic reaction. He will be home tonight.

18. I missed  him.


What my eyes tell me

I’ve watched someone bite open a aluminum can with their bare teeth and then chew on it because pain was welcoming.

I’ve watched a mother hit her child. 

I’ve watched a boy be molested. 

I’ve watched men watch girls and start to sweat. 

I’ve watched women size men up and trick them into every evil. 

I’ve watched a mother throw away herself into drugs and pleasures. 

I’ve watched a man make every bad decision and never learn. 

I’ve watched children run from their parents. 

I’ve watched the worst kisses. 

I’ve watched lies be spoken to every authority. 

I’ve watched police officers give up. 

I’ve watched teen agers give up. 

I’ve watched the pain cross someone face and their eyes glimmer and brim over with tears. 

I’ve watched the sun rise and hated the idea of the on coming day. 

I’ve watched many horrible things. I hope I never forget them.