Category Archives: The Future?

A work in progress

05/30(or the 31 since you are in Japan right now.)/2016

How we met: well it wasn’t quite meeting at first, really. You stared at me (checked me out) from two rows back on the other side of the class room of our Econ 111 class in Xavier room 150. I knew your name and who you were, and I ran into you often with The-Girl-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She was something else (and a whole other story) and you and she seemed to be best friends from my point of you. Until I began to pester you.

I thought you were (OMG kill me now for saying this) the cutest kid I had ever seen in my life, and I was down for the chase.

I made a mistake first hand though by the telling your “Best friend” what I thought of you. She had a bit of a fit and she said: “You got, Tomas, and Kiya, you can’t can’t canttttt by any means have him.” And I told her I would respect her wishes, but there was a big piece of me that said: “ignore her” which of course made my reply to her be: “Oh, of course, he is your best friend, I would never!!!”

And here we are. You are my man.

You ask me to make lists.

I love this. (but you know I love making lists so it isn’t exactly work to me. )

What we should do:

  1. Travel the world
  2. Go to every San Pellegrino 50 best restaurants in the world.
  3. Go to Japan – like everywhere
  4. Take a bath – not too long of one, I hate being pruny
  5. Go to an owl cafe
  6. Go to a cat (neko ねこ 猫)  cafe 😀
  7. Feed each other Nutella
  8. Stay at a ritzy hotel and splurge on room service
  9. Keep each other motivated
  10. Keep each other healthy
  11. Couples Message
  12. Take a train overnight somewhere, hopefully, Europe
  13. Swing Dance
  14. Shop for undies in Tokyo
  15. Ice skate in Rockefeller center in NYC
  16. Build an igloo in Alaska
  17. Pray at a temple in Japan (Nara)
  18. Bake




And many of these things came true.



23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23

23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23.


I’ve been thinking about a lot of things like this since in recent days my brother was having some relationship issues. (He is 19 and blah blah marriage, college, job blah blah adulty stuff) This made me think a lot about what I want to do and about advice I was given.

Another thing I would add to this is: What comes after marriage?

My parents didn’t have kids till they were married 1o years and they don’t regret it. You know why? cuz they got all that time to just do adult stuff and work hard at what they loved as well as learning how to work as a couple. As well as budgeting for  2 people and getting to know what its like to settle.

A lot of cool future stuff to think about, but living in the now as the reblogged post suggests is also really good and I can check off quite a few of those things already and I am only 17! Mission accomplished.

Although that trip to the Philippines sounds fun.


I have lost my attention span more and more lately.

I’ve endured 90 minute to 2 hour classes for that past three months and I’ve just about lost my skill for focusing when I am at home. It’s like my wind and body just wanders and I can’t seem to pick up where I last left off.  I find myself looking up random

and here are all the posts I’ve written and have been interrupted in the middle of.

Weak of spirit: I don’t really know what to do anymore. I’ve become so numb to many emotions. The feeling of wrong and right, how to detect whats wrong. Blurred lines. 10/10/13

Stupid Weirdos: So there’s this thing called a midterm……..yeah lets not talk about that. I got enough work to do that I pretty much, go to class, play piano, and do my homework. 10/09/13

Saying No: I guess I’ve always been a “Yes!” person. Excited, enthused, ready to go, and encouraging the best. I’ve realized as well that because of this I let people into my life that drain me dry. I have to learn to say no. I’m not very good at it at all…. What else I have noticed is that people are eager to volunteer their time to have you “talk about” what you are going through, but hardly recognise when you start to talk about it. 10/02/13

A Never Ending Persecution: There must be something about me that attracts people to call me vulgar names; I can’t seem to avoid them. Better yet, maybe there is something inherently attractive about close-mindedness that people feel the need to terrorize those that aren’t.Maybe this makes no sense. To the point: At least 3 times a week, I am being bombarded with names that I do not deserve, and a lot of the time, I receive these things nick names from people who I thought were friends of mine.

I am on a non-stop song writing streak. It gives me almost a high to write. I love it so much. I think it frees  my soul and mind in a way I’ve never experienced. 08/11/13

I am Starting to See a Pattern here: I seem to stumble into a very neat linear action of falling majorly for guys that are 3-6 years older than me. I can’t decide whether this is normal for my age or unusual. I also am confused by how often I tend to reject younger guys and except older ones.

It might be purely because I find that many guys that are older have matured better emotionally and socially, while the younger ones (between 14-17) tend towards the awkward stages of in between understanding the concept of maturity and the balance of immaturity. Not to ignore the very prominent figure of awesome immaturity, which is another matter in itself.

Maybe its just me. Falling in love with people that i am not legally able to be with in almost any way. So…. I get caught in awkward places. 07/28/13

When all Else Fails, Fall Asleep in A Pile of People: That pretty much sums up  my week-end. Laugh so hard till we collapse and then run out of breath to talk from all the laughing till finally, we succumb to silence and then sleep.

If you cant tell, I am procrastinating writing my five page history paper. Its rather repetitive because it is on the catholic and protestant reformation… Ugh, the information is overwhelming. 5/27/13


What I wanted to say on fb: and this everyone can see, and they can feel embarrassed for me w.e. … IDGAF
I am not boy crazy, I actually love women, or I wouldn’t be posting this on your wall.. and I am simply a “needle in the vein of the establishment,” and there is”Nothing wrong with me, this  how I am supposed to be. in a land of make-believe, don’t believe in me.”

“My name is jimmy and you better not wear it out, suicide commando that your momma talked about, king of the forty thieves and I’m here to represent.” -Green Day

Actually, what  I wanted to say was, stop judging me….. please? If I am on Facebook too long, I obviously have no life or problems… If the only thing I feel comfortable talking about to people I don’t trust is random stories that have to do with my guy problems it obviously means I am boy crazy and think about nothing but sex. If I have a bad day and am crabby, I am forever called an immature women. (BTW I AM NOT A MATURE WOMAN, you can’t ask a 15 teen year old boy to be a man, would you ask a 15-year-old girl to be a woman?)
I make mistakes, yes. This is who I am and I can’t change that.

So please, if I ever judged you, I am sorry, can we start over???

What I wish people would do. ^-^ 11/14/12

Things I really don’t Notice: I have to say, I’m a very good observer, but my mother is too sneaky for me. How does that laundry make it from the basement to the second floor so quickly on the weekends? Why is it that all the rooms down stairs stay organized? Mom is the explanation to the household miracles. I call her Marmmy in public so not to confuse her with the other multitude of mothers out there, cause she’s special. And I know, I know, it’s not mother’s day.. and it’s not even my Marmmy’s birthday, I just was thinking about her awesomeness.

As promised when I was in New York City, Clay, I will write about you. I might beautify a little, but that’s what all writers do even if they don’t admit it.

Clay, always sitting behind his mahogany desk between the black columns, a small lap top in front of him and to his right a phone and note book with spaced scribbles in every corner. Though in the dimly lit club like dark 70’s hotel lobby, you could make out his form with the small spotlight that was cast above his workspace.

New York is not what it looks like on Glee, or those penthouse shows. It looks like a dirty city with a lot people and a lot of very tall buildings that block out the sun, stars, and moon. The buildings and people don’t sleep so noise even in the depth of night and early morning is present. It isn’t a bad place though, just not the place I could survive in long. I am not sick and I suspect the city was a contributor to my illness.

Tomorrow is another school day, laboring over my oral presentation for my genetics project. I also must have a full draft of my persuasion letter for British Literature, I’m thinking I might have to write three to make up for my lack of focus.

This has been a long blog, but necessary to cover the ground I have been heedlessly trampling for two months.  1/03/12

Enough. Omg.. .too much.

The Meaning of life as……meaningless

I’ll spare you the depressing monologue or Hamlet, or the monotonous: why are we here if it means nothing? questions. Because if life is meaningless, why ask? You might as well grow some ovaries and accept the fact that it is, or strongly disagree and continue however you were before. Either way, at least you know what you think unlike the rest of us, lost wandering in the void of questions with no answers and a seemingly endless storage of useless information acquired through every means we have, experience, education, internet, curiosity, parents, family, friends, etc.

Here is an example of struggling question:

I really like Dan. Super chill guy.

But anyways…. The meaning of life…. Any suggestions?

Getting to R

In Virginia Wolf’s To The Light House, which I didn’t really care for, was a character named Mr. Ramsey. He infuriated me more than any of the other characters. Though there was one thing about him that fascinated me. He had this idea that the average man only reached a certain point which he called K, (meaning a certain level of intelligence, success, wisdom, wealth etc.) but he was feeling like if a man could even just surpass Q it would be an accomplishment. Mr. Ramsey wanted desperately to get to R though. (why R we don’t know why..) but at this point in the book I was finally paying attention… Mr. Ramsey wanted to be a “better” man. Better in his eyes was probably a man who was more successful in work, made more money than the majority, had a perfect relationship with his wife, had a wife who took perfect care of the children (of whom he did not wish to deal  with). I didn’t think much of this while reading it since I was barely 14 and rather confused about everything at the time… looking back on it though, I notice it is very relevant in many people lives. Although they don’t specifically say; “If only I were to get to R…” and ponder the predicament that they were involved in and how to maneuver out of it in order to get what they want. Most people just say “I want to get a good job and get by.” or some aspire higher and say: “I dream of becoming the CEO of Microsoft.” or “I want to be the new Justin.” or “I want to be President.” (That in some people’s book would be getting to Z) People don’t give it a letter, they say the place they fantasize about.)

I havent read this book since 9th grade, 4 ish years ago but I remembered it reading my Writing Fiction:  A Guide to Narrative Craft 7th Edition book by Janet Burroway and Elizabeth Stuck-French. (Mr.Teacher is very amused at the last name of Elizabeth and her husband who helped write the 8th edition for some odd reason. I don’t find it too amusing, more silly and stupid. The whole “Stucky-French” thing is simply a combination of the couple last names which are both generic and ridiculous, sorry to be obnoxious…#sorrynotsorry) It was in the chapter about crafting your words in a sentence to find detail but not to tell, but to show the detail of characters with their surroundings and such. It was probably my favorite part of the reading so far since we finally got to something interesting instead of just reteaching ourselves discipline. Which as you all can identify and testify that I have done by keeping up my blog for this long…. it is insane I must admit having this much commitment to a thing.

…..I have just had an epiphany about why I can’t commit in relationships. I am much too committed to my arts and expressions than to give any emotional and physical time to one person for the rest of my high school experience, which surprisingly is not turning out too horridly. (stress of the “not too”.)

Away from those things… I hope I get to T. Because T is much better than R. R is silly compared to the majestic T. X would be a miracle.

Just you wait T. Just you wait.

I wish…..

1. “I wish my name was book, so I could go up to girls and say: ‘hey ladies, you wanna go and curl up with a nice me?'” -JR 

This boy amuses me a lot. 

2. “Have you ever tried to drink  a really thick milk shake?” 


“That’s better than sex!” (this boy referring to a bunch of virtual gold)
“No its not. Dont you say that.” (Another boy)

My Funeral

I have this fantasy now and then about what my funeral would be like. I have asked people if they also fantasize about this, but it seems not many people do it as often as I do. 

It’s not that I want to be dead, or that I have an extreme interest in things pertaining to, associated, and related to death, but I do have an interest in the psychological idea of death. The philosopher’s analysis of death is very good, and I have found through much research in new and old texts whilst writing that mortality does have a meaning. It is not simply a curse or a new cycle of reincarnation (recycling back into mulch and outwards again.) nor is it a form of elimination to support evolutionists idea of survival of the fittest; mortality is all about moving on, living fully, and know if we all lived forever, what would it matter? 

So what does it matter? That I will die, at a time where I will most likely be unprepared to die, my financial life will be a mess, and my last testament will most likely be written in an old diary from 8th grade. What does it matter that I could die tomorrow or not for 80 years? What does it matter that I think about my death, my mortality, my shelf life, my expiration date. 

It matters because I am not living life avoiding my death. It matters because, I don’t say: “Yolo”, I say “I live once because living forever is meaningless, so I should make my small meaning especially perplexing, influencing and beautiful. ”  I’ve been thinking about my own funeral everyday for a while now. How I want it to be, what the flowers will look like, what kind of decoration there will be, if I will insist people dress in rainbow or as animals or not… whether I want to be cremated or buried. If coffinated, will it be open? Will my mother die before or after me? What will my friends say? Who will cry the most at the altar? Who will throw a fit and punch my xboyfriends? I have questions. 

Many Questions. 

Here is a list of what I think I want:


All flowers will either be rainbow, or black. 

Chairs should be more like movie seats. 

Pictures of me should be posted better than on poster board… 

The podium should have vines all over it.


Attendees should either wear all white, all Rainbow, or if preferable, black. 

ushers are encouraged to wear rainbow. 


The service itself should be filled with what other people have to say about who I was, telling many stories, and presenting different items of writing/art/music that I liked or created. My family should have last words. 

None of my xes are aloud to speak. (unless they rock)



If forcefully buried, coffin should be gratified so should grave. Please give me art on my place of “rest”. 



I don’t believe that heaven arrival happens immediately after death… so I will just chill with Aristotle and Plato a tad… maybe have a chat with Parmenides and Heraclitus.

Not Long Now

It is coming to my attention things are speeding up. Hour and times of day clump together, days swirl in my memories, and weeks are hard to count. I can’t remember certain days where things were said, important things I should have remembered. This year it feels like more is behind me, but the “more” that happened was in just a little time. So little, it becomes a focal point because it appears like an explosive red line, jolting up on a chart befor coming to a fast decline and plunging down to the normal wave it once was.  That’s how last year looked, it finished with loud shouting and blasting music too. New Year’s Eve. If I say those words to some friends of mine, and raise my eye brows they just give me a wry smile, shake their head, and sometimes put their head in their hands and say: “Ah.. that was a night.” I would reply: “Sure was!” and punch them lightly in the arm and walk off.

I am sixteen now. Not so sweet tasting actually, sour, and kind of metallic, almost like blood. I guess it’s metaphorical then, the past stab wounds being reopened for old time’s sake.  I am thinking a lot lately. My friends are making me think. They’re challenging my beliefs, my integrity, my dignity, my convictions. My reactions to them are really starting to show me who I am. What my “True” nature is. I doubt anything human can be fully honest though. We are much to layered and self constructed creatures. We can’t peal them all back, even when we try to we just cover it up more. Like band aids, they hide the wound but show that their is a wound there to be covered. That’s what humans do.

I’ve come out about a lot of things this year. My fashion and crazy style was just the beginning. I don’t exactly know what is wrong and right looking back, because the things that had a slight absence of good in hindsight always had a abundance of it in the moment. When I put myself in my 11 and 12 year old shoes again I feel that. The overwhelming urge to cover up. Get some band aids on. Get bad ass. Toughen up, don’t cry.  I didn’t even know what I was dealing with. I still can’t bring the memories back, there must be at least a hundred layers in my brain to cover them, shield the rest of me from seeing the images, the faces, the hands, the eyes again. Small flashes  here and there, nothing permanent, nothing worth recognizing as a memory. Maybe a made of blurry picture of what my senses want me to take notice, small traces of what life was like 4 years ago.

I changed a lot. Maturity, or just more layers? probably both. I still like to hold on to some of my childishness, especially with my brother. People aren’t aloud to see me like that anymore, no one…  Not even some of my best friends. “Define best?” …huh, I can’t seem to.

Very soon, very fast, it’ll all be over. I am not a fan of speeding it up. Though people may think that. Yeah, I am talking to you, bitch. Whatever. I will be off, and away, like Peter Pan from a young girl’s window sill. Is it that bad?

I should ask sometime, ask a person about how fast they think some years have gone, and how slow others have seemed. Maybe because we are all so confused, we can’t tell the difference anymore. Maybe that’s a blessing. We won’t have to hold on to the past, the silly things. The unimportant things. “Define, unimportant?” It’s all in perspective.



A college application requires you write a(n) essay(s). The college I will  be applying to next fall, requires 2 essays, but rather than 2 accedemic critical essay’s about ancient history/literature, they require one about your life as an artist, your experience etc. and one other about what inspires you as an artist.

The first is easy: (List of stuff to outline my essay. I know, its due in a year but… might as well start early?)

1. Been in plays and choral ensembles since 4

2. Voice lessons for 7 years

3. Piano for 7

4. Dance fore 7

5. Modeling experiences

6. Camera mini movie and public TV performances

7. Art project with illustrative design.

The Second is well not hard but more complex. There has never been one thing through out my life always inspiring me.


  1. at age 9 saw a 42nd street at The Rep in Portsmouth, fell in love saw it again. Inspired me to tap dance. (still love to tap dance)
  2.  Age 7 watched Phantom of the Opera and became obsessed with it.
  3. age 10 saw Cats, also by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Obsessed
  4. Age 14, heard Jesus Christ Super Star music (by Andrew Lloyd Webber) Obsessed
  5. Age 14, went to NY. New York and saw Broadway show God Spell for the second time and loved it.


  1.  Age 11: Gothic Lolita style of dressing influenced me greatly
  2.  Age 13; Harajuku (Tokyo street fashion) influenced me greatly)
  3.  Age 14: Fell in love with the statue  of a man, “The Dead Pearl Diver” wrote a paper on it for school
  4.  Age 15: Street graffiti everywhere.   The underground projects in abandoned New York subways inspired me.

Wow.. that’s not even half of it….

Guess I’ll be working really hard on this.

Well tis the season to be getting started on my Christmas list:

  1. money for College fund
  2. Money for Cornish Theater prep in the summer
  3. Hot Topic gift card
  4. Delia’s gift card
  5. Barn’s and Noble gift card (for school books and for pleasure)
  6. old magazines with cool pics/headlines
  7. The Resistance album by Muse
  8. Vampire Weekend album by Vampire Weekend
  9. Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge Album by My Chemical Romance
  10. Making Mirror’s album by Gotye
  11. Halo 3 or 4 t shirt
  12. Cow Slipper or Hello Kitty slippers size 9
  13. Cow or Hello Kitty socks size 9
  14. Aerie or VS gift card

I think that should give my 9 aunts some options…. They will probably buy me a lot of socks and Barn’s and Noble gift cards.

Halo Forward Unto Dawn FINALLY!

In 2001 Halo Combat evolved was released and started a new era of gaming. First time I played it was at the age of 11 and my brother 13, we were enchanted by the world of Halo. We couldn’t get enough of the story and the game. We found the book series and read them starting with First Strike, which introduces you to the life of John 117 and Dr. Halsey, as well as Captain Keys and Vice Admiral Wittcomb. John, who is my favorite “super” hero, starts out as a kidnapped 6 year old who was the strongest and the smartest out of many others. He was raised in a military base under extreme training until puberty when he went through the Spartan 2 surgical augmentation. Dr. Halsey, the brains behind the military operation, found a solution to ONI’s problem. Their experimental armor called MJOLNIR (pronounced: nil-neer; the name of Thor’s Hammer) was too advanced for human reflexes, those who stepped into the armor and tried to move broke all the bones in their body due to slow movement compared to the speed reactions of the armor. Dr. Halsey found that selecting strong children, training, and improving them with inhuman capabilities was the only way around the defects of the Spartan 1 armor. After the surgery, around 30 of the 200 kids selected survived. Another 30 were physically disabled and were instead placed for intelligence work, but the rest were too weak and died.  The extent of the book series follows John and even some of the books explore first encounters with the Covenant and the failures and massacres of humans colonized on Reach which was made into a halo game. (Halo: REACH) Before “the fall of Reach” the UNSC was fighting on many other planets, and this was made into the Halo game HALO WARS. The series of games that follow one another is Halo Combat Evolved, Halo 2, Halo 3, and Halo 4 which will be released in November. (SOO EXCITED!!!)

Five and half years ago, this trailer came out:

This was never released and fans like me have been waiting for FIVE YEARS for something, anything, to bring the halo world to light.

Now there are clips like these:

Now there is a mini series that comes out once a week in 15 minute parts called Forward Unto Dawn, which shows the life of Cadets and their discovery of Master Chief hidden within O.N.I’s files. ed5290c3-ee41-470a-8d2b-af648bfab195

The wait is over fans! We have it!!!