Category Archives: Uncategorized

Why Romance Films Make Me Sad


Time after time, I start to watch what appears to be a good Rom-Com. It features a nice plot, a funny script, witty banter, charming actors, and amazing scenery, but the one thing that is missing is female lead equality. And I am not the first person to notice this.

Maisie Williams who plays Arya Stark in The Game of Thrones spoke up about it:

What would you look for in a female character to make sure she’s not just the pretty face on the poster? Not just the girlfriend—yeah. I just think someone who is complex and introduced in the script not just as: “Sally. 30. Hot.” Like it’s so frustrating to read that in a script and then next to it you have the male lead: “Jason. 30. Kind face, kindhearted person, good with his son,” you know all these things about who you are rather than what you look like. When you find something that actually goes in depth about who the female character is, what drives her, not just her hair color, that’s better.

But also I just want to play someone I can actually relate to and isn’t just like a dolly, like a poster girl. I don’t know if I’ve read exactly what I’m looking for yet, but I think it will come one day.”

source 

That question above is from Time magazine, the exact phrase that is giving me second thoughts about how women are portrayed is “just the pretty face on the poster”. Why are women without a second thought reduced to only their looks? Why, especially in any kind of media; film, modeling, singing, dancing, and even radio or youtube – women are only put up front if they are “beautiful”.  I use quotes because this isn’t the “beautiful” adjective I would call a good friend of mine, this a word that is just as malignantly crafted as photoshop. This “beautiful” that is synonymous with “just a pretty face on the poster” is inherently dehumanizing and misogynistic. This “beautiful” is the frame in which all women are told they have to fit in order to be successful, and as Maisie said, she is way more than just her appearance, she has deep traits, talents, and differences that make her beautiful and unique and worthy of being treated like a human and not a 2-dimensional character.

When I look at the lead men of many films, you don’t see every single one of the legends looking glamorous as hell. For example Will Ferrel, Christopher Walken, Rowan Atkinson, Jack Black, Mike Myers, and Danny Trejo. If you google search any of these men do they look anything like this:

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Faceless? Chad: Brunnet, buff, 20s. Only requiring that much description?

I didn’t think so. Why? Because a man’s career in any industry does not rely on his physical sex appeal. Huh. That’s weird. Men are taken seriously in media even when they dont have a perfect six-pack, perfect quads, perfect pecs, and a perfect or close to the perfect face. I wonder why?

Fighting for merit in a world that favors specific exterior looks immediately devalues true talent, creativity, and passion.

The characters that are played by men are often multidimensional. The character struggles with emotional, ethical, and moral choices that affect direct change in their character. The film Magic Mike is a great example. Channing Tatum is a sexy male character, but his appeal and strength lie in his true creativity, passion, and multi-talented brain. He gets plenty of credit for this in the film as well, where he struggles to treat others and himself respectfully while looking out for himself and creating his business.

How often do sexy female characters in films get this same spotlight?

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reflect


Coming home for the summer, walking down the bridge to my senior year of college, and being incessantly bored, stressed, and overwhelmed all at once. It feels that this topic has weighed on me for years and won’t leave.

Before reading this: Don’t patronize me about this topic. In return, I won’t patronize you for talking about your daddy issues.

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I spent hours looking through endless activist posts about LGBTQA+ people and I stumbled upon one that included that polyamory flag. This flag is not a well-known symbol of practicing ethical non-monogamists. Honestly, most people who practice non-monogamy ethically or not tend to be quiet about it. It isn’t like being gay or straight, or anything in between. It isn’t like being transgender, it’s like being a monster.

Polyamory is often grouped into a fetishistic place similarly to bisexuality. It’s not often considered a sexual, romantic, or gender identity that sets you apart and simultaneously groups you with other queers or straights cisgender people. But instead, it leaves you out in a weird waiting room, alone. I feel I’m in a glass box with tinted windows. I can see out perfectly, but when others look inside they just see a dark figure looming in a corner. The tinted box is made out of ignorance and unquestioned norms. And it’s really hard to question norms when they are so prevalent, it seems as if there is no other alternative to monogamous relationships.

Then it seems to make sense to them why I’m here in this box where I’m hidden from the mono-sexual normative world because I’m a freak.  Humans practice mono-sexual relationships because you only need one love.

“one love, one life,” etc.

Then it comes down to needs. “I only need you. I only want you. I ONLY SEE YOU.” all of these SINGULAR ideas. No duplicity. No multiplicity. People can only have one having anymore is simply problematic.

Because monogamy is simple isn’t? or is it? The whole point of it is for you to some how find your single soulmate in a world of billions of people. Meanwhile, the average person only has physical access to less than millions in your area, fewer if you’re on a tiny island somewhere or an isolated rural town. If you only have one soulmate and you can’t find them, whats the point?

Some people scoff, and say “How could I let my partner see other people? I’m way too jealous and in love to allow that!” and similar ideas. That’s fine. I mean, if you know yourself well enough to know that more than one partner makes you feel unstable and bad, then don’t have multiple partners. But to tell me that people anywhere should only have one partner and that it’s disgusting, ridiculous, overly complex, and immoral to have more than one partner, is pretty closeminded.  I’ll respect you for having one partner because your happiness, sexuality, and interest in a romantic partner is NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS.

Then there is that stupid notion of “commitment” as if it means something different when I love more than one person. I’m just as committed to my relationships as anyone else. I’ll defend, love, hold, respect, and stand by my partners when they need me. Commitment doesn’t mean we all have to keep our hands and hearts to ourselves, it means we share love and happiness together regardless of how much or how long that is for.

I don’t feel jealousy like others feel. I don’t own my partners.  I don’t own anyone. The point of polyamory is to be free. And happiness is found in the ability to freely give, feel, and receive love — in whatever way that may be: sexually, romantically,  both, neither, etc. — for everyone, to everyone, by everyone.  Consentually.

But the words mono-sexuality and monogamy are only known to even a select group of people who are even aware there are other options. A lot of people get things confused with serial monogamy, polygamy, and polyandry, which aren’t the same ideas. These ideas don’t cater to the core meaning of polyamory which is freedom for everyone. Of course every relationship has rules to help respect and love each other, but they are on the terms of EVERYONE involved and not just the person in control or “wearing the pants” in the relationship.

This idea of the relationship not just having more than one  person, but also being on the terms of EVERYONE and not just the traditional dominant lead male role or the nagging submissive female role blows everyone mind. That a relationship of more than one person is about equality and consent of everyone.

So that’s why most practicing non-monogamist stay quiet.

I haven’t been quiet like everyone else, and I seem to be losing more friends and likability over it.

Maybe I have to be quiet now, and I’ll find a new way to communicate these ideas.  But to everyone who is so afraid of polyamory, if you don’t like it, don’t do it. If you don’t like cake, don’t eat it. But don’t hate everyone else because they had their cake, and they ate it too.

 

 

 

 

aside:

I wondered to my piano sitting up against the deep ocean blue wall where I broke it setting it there. I found myself composing, but then stopping and not liking a single note or style that I played. So I played old songs from high school and before. My oldest songs. I found them so utterly depressing I cried.

 

Bringing the Pieces Together


I’ve struggled with a number of puzzles, and I know now that everyone sees the world through different eyes so certain puzzles are easier for some people to figure out than others.

But teasing out this mystery, the one where we plan out our lives isn’t a simple science, and constantly finding only the easiest path is setting yourself up for a way that is building a circle around yourself.

It won’t expand out.

Building a little protective circle is a bubble. An echochamber. Safe Space.

Exploring and expanding out beyond what you predicted your limits. Where you start to put puzzle pieces down and build the bits into a picture.

Everyone starts somewhere. It gives you the first couple pieces, the ones that you can see clearly, but you’ve grown so used to seeing them around you they are no longer seen as puzzle pieces of but reality attached to your personality. Things you cannot rebuild or eliminate. They are alterable, but sometimes, never replaceable.

Then out beyond lies the shapes that aren’t familiar, drifting around you advertizing parts of itself, paths that lead to infinite other paths. Each is ethereal and some more unpredictable than others. Picking them is difficult, because uncertainty is scary. It is a feeling that people try to avoid daily in conversation and action.

But because of instability, uncertainty never scared me. Like others, whose foundations were set in family values, mine was set in unstable ground, walking on egg shells over a glass surface forever. What I saw was always unpredictable and unstable, so looking out on the world of mystery, I found more joy where they found plethoras of fear.

I stepped out, alone, with a support system that I created with a foundation of sand. Slippery and changing with every movement.

Others stepped out, but instead of looking forward they looked back. They saw that stability behind them and then in front of them the clouded mist of decisions to be made a lone. And instead of knowing that they would always be alone anyways, they hid in the things that had previously known. Afraid to be truly alone. Afraid to know the truth. To step out of the cave, the light blinding them and cowering in pain behind their hands shielding themselves from the barrage of truth and mystery.

Backwards into the dark comfort of womb-like existence. Back to stability.

There was no going back for me. No place left. There never was stability to begin with, and returning to chaos where I was not in control of anything was more terrifying than creating a world for myself that I could control at least three aspects of. My choices, my body, and my mind.

Freedom.

My puzzle was simple, to solve it I had to leave the box and create my own.

For others, maybe their puzzle is like mine, but they can’t bring themselves to leave.

Or maybe I can’t see their escape from the outside. Only they can see it from the inside. And they are staring at it, eye agape, mouth wide, and ears bleeding. But they are immobilized by fear of the unknown. The unstable outside.

But it’s ok to come out.

Come out.

 

 

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Thoughts: the past semester


1. While running around during the day or sitting idly at night, waiting for things; planes trains and automobiles, and during times I want to escape I have these vignettes that play in my head. Sometimes they get very complicated, going into extreme detail about the manner of my life’s course, career, hair style, particular characters with many idiosyncrasies.

Recently, I had a funny one about myself as a stand up comedian. For me, as a failed aspiring actor, model, singer, dancer, performer of every type, I like to think of this  as another failed pipe dream I’ll never be good enough at regardless if I pursue and practice it with some flavor of natural talent. This particular vignette was the comedic act itself, not the process of my life getting to that point. So some of my jokes had to do with self deprecation of course, as every comedian should learn to do first, better to make fun of yourself than to be made fun of by others and not be able to take it, no matter the true or untrue allegations made.

“Being a blonde, dyslexic, woman, I shouldn’t be taken seriously. My brain is too wrapped up in a mess to be trustworthy.”

I can’t remember the exact  idea I was talking about in this particular speech, but it definitely had to do with my appearance and how ironic it is.

2.A lot of my friends that have known me a long time are very hyper aware of my appearance and they make it very clear to me how they think I look and what that opinion means to them. Positive or negatively meant, I usually get  “Barbie Body” comments, “You’re a fucking twig, eat something”, “Everything fits you/ everything looks good on you, I’m so jealous”, and stuff like: “I wish I could pull that off, you’re so confident.”  Now, don’t take these things to mean I don’t know how to take a compliment, but at the same time, most of these compliments risk the integral identity of the comment givers. They make it seem like I shouldn’t be allowed to be this way, because they can’t, or won’t, or any other incapability. I don’t want to be complemented at the sacrifice of someone else’s beauty that is in a place so far from comparative to mine, in a place where we are actually equally  and so differently beautiful. No need to bash barbie for looking a certain way, simply address the real problem, that all beauty is equal, different, and uniquely amazing.

One thing that gets me everytime is the “eat something” comment. I had an eating disorder for a long time and didn’t weigh more than 110 for  most of my highschool career. Now, after leaving home and eating by myself with no one around me that knew of my eating disorder I could eat perfectly fine like a normal person. Or as my partner would say, twice the normal person. Coming back home this Winter 2016 break, everyone is picking on me about my eating habits. “Oh, you’re not gonna finish that I’ll take it”, assuming that I’m not going to eat something on my plate and taking it before I could even respond. Constantly having my eating habits picked at and scrutinized is rude, regardless if I have an eating disorder or not.

 

Movie List


  1. Submarine
  2. Snowpiercer
  3. Drive
  4. Serpico
  5. Whiplash
  6. Nightcrawler
  7. How I live now
  8. Exmachina
  9. Good Fellows
  10. Taxi Driver
  11. Hurt Locker
  12. Sun Shine Cleaning
  13. Tim3r
  14. Decoy Bride
  15. Blue is the Warmest Color
  16. Soylent Green
  17. Equilibrium
  18. Ultra Violet
  19. Blindness
  20. Water world
  21. Day Breakers
  22. 20 years after
  23. The Host

Diversity


Although my blog is named Sincere Diversity, I’ve never really written about my thoughts on it.

When I think about diversity, I dont always think about race, ethnicity, gender, religion, sexuality, or blood type…. I think about what makes humans different as people.

Here is a short list that separates me from a lot of other people my age:

  1. When I go to the beach,  I don’t lay in the sun, I lay under my ornate colorful umbrella and wear silly glasses and a rainbow bathing suit.
  2. A flower crown is a necessary accessory for traveling.
  3. I take a blue crayon every where I go. (pronounced cran (rhymes with fan), because I’m weird.)
  4. I don’t like listening to hip hop for a long time, it grates on me.
  5. I collect small pieces of paper and put them together for my memory books. Most of them seem really random.
  6. I don’t believe people can exist happily without creating something that pertains to art.
  7. I love cemeteries and I am very comfortable with death

People who are different in personality, preference, style, and speech are the people that diversify us as humans. These are the things I fall in love with.

  1. The small reactions people make to specific actions
  2. Their way of being sneaky
  3. How ticklish they are
  4. What amuses them
  5. Small things that make them so happy
  6. Pet peeves
  7. How they sleep
  8. What makes them comfortable
  9. What makes them feel sad
  10. What reminds them of bad things
  11. What things they wish to not discuss
  12. What things they could discuss all day
  13. Whether they like being feminine or masculine more often then the other
  14. Who influence(d/es) them
  15. What is their favorite music to rock out too
  16. How often do they shower
  17. What’s in their wallet or purse
  18. What they can’t leave the house/dorm/apartment/basement without
  19. What keeps them up at night.

These are the things I love about people. I fall in love with their perspectives of things and their face. Their souls. Their humor and mannerisms.

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But then, I fall in love with the things I learn to expect from them. The things that make me laugh. The irony of them. The things I know I will always laugh with or smile at.

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Then I come to adore how our quirks rub up on each other. How something I hate doing makes them so happy, because I do it for them, because I love them. Or things I like doing makes them cringe and shy away.

A Personal Post


atelphobia

This is my problem. It leads to me never believing that others can love me because I’m simply not worthy of it.

It isn’t women that I don’t believe though, I mostly trust girls. But I can’t trust guys, (sorry if this sounds sexist but… it has been my overarching experience through my life).

I’ve never been good enough for my dad, never strong enough to chop wood or athletic enough to draw the attention of my Dad’s dad, (my grandad). I was never good enough for a lot of guys I liked or dated in the past. There was always something about me that needed to change for them to be pleased. Mostly my body. I was never enough for a lot of other people because they wanted me to be there constantly, and well, I have a life I need to live too.

I’ve never felt good enough to love someone else because of this. As if I wasn’t worth enough to give someone else adoration. But then at the same time, I’m too worthless not too, because everyone else must be more deserving than I to receive love. I’ve felt so unworthy in the past that I just summed it up to being incapable of loving others. Incapable of commitment and loyalty because I’m not good enough anyway.

“A Bed Full of Safety”

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Even though I have no reason to really think I’m not enough right now. I know I’m talented, intelligent, strong, and mature, I can’t shake the feeling of never being good enough. I can’t help but remember that I couldn’t love, and I couldn’t truly be loved by others, I can’t stop feeling helpless in the fact that I’m just starting to live, just learning how to be.

But being isn’t easy.

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I know I shouldn’t believe that I am not enough, but it’s hard to not believe it when I’ve disappointed so many people.

I’m exhausted.

Responsibility


In order to even take responsibility, I have to write a list.

1. Give it some thought

“Some” meaning, thinking about whatever you need to do intermittently throughout your daily routine, while leisurely eating, while talking with responsible people, while noticing irresponsible behavior, while eating a bagel.

2. Make notes and Take notes

Making person notes of reminders so your goal of completing tasks is smoother and take notes from other people that live in a more stream lined organized system.

3. What works

Sometimes the notes you make and take aren’t going to work for you, but keep trying anyways.

4. Failing

This is a common theme among my lists since I don’t think anything can be accomplished at all without a little push back from fate. Although, your own providence should also be pushing to achieve what you want. (If you don’t know what providence means, you should probably be even more motivated to work hard and fail, repeat.)

5. Space the fuck out.

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Take some time to empty your mind, so you can get back to what is important.

7. “Work hard, Play hard”

Self explanatory. Give yourself a break if you’ve been researching, thinking, or taking notes all day. You need the time to loosen up to get back to work.

Drafts from the Past —- 2014


February 11: “Leave him lay where Jesus flung him.” -Anne Lamott

Wise woman.

I’ve been stuck in a story. This never ending cycle of bad decisions, a plot that is nonexistent and characters that roll in the mud. I keep reading it, rewriting it, tweaking it, and closing it together but there is still no true ending or real thing that makes sense.

March 11: Minecrafter of Aphrodite is sitting next to me. We are in History class studying the roaring twenties.

I’ve been thinking and learning a lot about economics, leadership, politics, and government lately. Recently, I’ve been comparing the economic prosperity of the twentie with the 90’s. Boom and bust of the stock market and the idea of the companies controlling almost everything. Pop culture was the stock market in the 20s.

Then there is the Occupy Wall Street movement that went on in 2011. My teacher says that it was a really huge movement that was party-nonspecific but, my father says it was a democratic ploy to make Romney look bad and glorify Obama’s promises in his campaign.

How my father came up with that theory.. .

April 19: I used to be very open about my life and wore my heart in plain sight where I’d put it out for people to poke at and dissect. I’m not like that anymore.

It came to this point:

I wanted it to all stop. Things were getting out of hand way too quickly and I had no control over my life of what I wanted. I was lost. I’m still lost, but  I feel less vulnerable.

May 1: Everyone talks about the decision Truman made to drop two nuclear weapons on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Whose ultimate responsibility was it ? Do we blame Hitler for starting the war in the first place and initiating it? To we say it was retaliation because the Japanese were bombing every island and coast from Hong Kong all the way down the Philippines to Guam, to Wake, and then finally Pearl Harbor?

May 29: Simul is Latin for: At the same time or simultaneously.

Now this of this: “Yes and no mean the same thing.”

Yes and no are both a response, are both ways of acting, and both ways of refusing and confirming. “No, I don’t mind.” and “Yes, by all means.” are the same thing.

Also, yes and no can morph into the thing we call: Yeahno.

Yeahno is a unique word that means something is more complicated then “Yes it’s happening” or “No it’s not happening”. Sometimes, thing happen simultaneously, starting and stopping at random points, so no one can say it is or isn’t happening when it is n­­­ot a predictable event.

June 15: “A Confession after my Pseudo Graduation.” I was never allowed to not do things. There wasn’t a list of things I couldn’t touch, or do, or play in. Well, maybe there was, I just never noticed because there was so much to explore that I was allowed to use, touch, see and create.

When I was little, I would strip my clothes off and paint my entire body. My mother let me, because I wasn’t hurting anyone or anything by doing that.  When I was a baby I would take my yogurt and use it to shower.

A Tumblr Post


And I quote: 

“1. There’s a reason schools teach Shakespeare instead of John Green; you make your own life, it’s not written in the stars, waiting to start until you find that person with the perfect smile

2. People are a hell of a lot smart than you think. Shut your mouth, stop thinking you know everything, and listen.

3. Getting close and being vulnerable is scary as hell, But you know what else it is? Worth it.

4. Reason really is the doctor to love.

5. The moment you feel your happiness being dictated by another person, take a break from them.

6. Take a step back and look around, you have more friends than you think.

7. Growing up is going to happen and it’s going to be tough. Just stay close to those around you, you’re all in it together.

8. If you’re still checking their Facebook/Instagram/tumblr, you’re never going to get over them.

9. Everything seems worse in the morning. Don’t fall for it, it’s deceiving.

10. No need to be so intense all the time. People get tired of swimming in the deep end, sometimes they need a break in the shallow part of the pool.

11. Stop avoiding everything. Get out of bed, get dressed, go to school, go to work. It sucks at first but it’s part of the healing process.

12. If the person makes you feel like shit and you still go back to them, it’s an abusive relationship.

13. Headphones are great, but listen to music aloud every once in a while. Sometimes you need to scream a song so everyone can hear you.

14. Boundaries are a must.

15. You can be a caring person, but you need to be happy with yourself before you try to make others happy.

16. Try and understand other’s intentions and situation before you get angry with them.

17. Tough love is necessary sometimes.

18. You can’t fix people no matter how hard you try. Get this engrained in your mind.

19. Surround yourself with people who will love and support you.

20. Loneliness is lethal and makes you have a distorted view of things.

21. No one hates you more than you hate yourself. Stop being your own enemy.

22. Someone can only hurt your feelings if you allow them to.

23. Getting your shit back in order is five times as hard as it is to mess it all up.

24. Listen to your parent’s advice.

25. Be open to anything and everything. Life isn’t fun when you’re a closed book.

26. Talking about your problems is great, but there comes a point when talking about it becomes dwelling on the past and it drains everyone around you. Know when you’ve hit this point.

27. A lot of people don’t like their shit showing. More people than you know are going through hard times.

28. Distract yourself.

29. Don’t be so easily swayed, a lot of claims out there are not true.

30. Some seasons of your life are harder than others. This too shall pass.”

—  30 Things I Learned During the 30 Worst Days of my Life: November 2013