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If you are really listening; an ode to silence


The lost art of really listening to people. The secret to it is we communicated with our bodies. Open stances or closed stances, fiddling and looking away, shifting glances, wild gestures or uncomfortable arm crossing. The saying “Actions speak louder than words” is a lot of the time true. That’s why reading body language helps tell us when we are being lied to or how people really feel versus what they are saying. A good listener can see these things. A true listener can start to understand someone better by these things. Seeing how a person responds physically can communicate their insecurities and their confidences, the things they like and dislike, and also whether they are extremely selfish or are relaxed and loving. Someone who really listens can see right through people.

Then sometimes silence (or the lack of action) speaks louder than words. Whether that inaction is someone saying one thing and doing another or being completely passive and not communicating at all.

That’s why I wrote a song called “Silence is death

I wrote this because the lack of communication is a huge scream in itself. Crying silently, suffering in silence, sighing silently. It’s all a way of showing a burden, communicating pain or indifference. Especially indifference. “The silent treatment” is a way to communicate my pain that doesn’t need words to describe it. Everyone knows what it is. Everyone understands why. It’s because sometimes the amount of weight I’m carrying inside me is boiling under my skin and its turning my eyes red and soggy, its breaking me so much I can’t even speak. Sometimes the silence is necessary because I’m screaming so loud on the inside I can’t bear to speak anymore. Or maybe its the opposite, maybe it’s because the world and people around me are so loud I can’t handle the noise anymore so I stopped trying and shut down. Maybe I’m too tired of this sick mess to speak anymore. Words fall short of the things I want to say.

This is why people say things like this:

“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.”
Andrew Harvey

Sometimes its really hard to be bursting at the seems like this always. I take a chill pill and reseed into a happy numbness, which sometimes solves the problems and I start to see that I don’t have to hate and hurt from all the noise around me and inside me. I can let it out and in and breathe and be one with it or separate my self from it. Nothing is permanent. But I do wear my anger on my heart and not on my skin. I wear it on the inside where it festers and starts to boil again and I start my silence.

There’s a difference between serenity and being numb.

anonymous

Communicating like this isn’t all there is though.  Sometimes small talk and social interaction in the trivial pursuits can be a fueling ground for socialites or a draining all-consuming pit of terror. Sometimes I love to gossip and joke with my friends, and other times it tears me apart inside to hear idiotic and pointless words. I get so upset I give a silent tantrum and stop speaking to people.

‘Cause I’ve seen more spine on jellyfish
I’ve seen more guts in eleven year old kids

Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there’s ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
And again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You’re as subtle as a brick
In the small of my back
So let’s end this call and end this conversation

Read more: Brand New – Seventy Times 7 Lyrics | MetroLyrics

A Stream of Consciousness List


Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature

62. I WISH I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS

63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands

87. Likes.

88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.

Finals Week Check List


1. Some how reacquaint myself with Alejandro

2. Get more people to accidentally flirt with

3. Cuddle with everyone

4. Fail an audition

5. Environmental Science class is still not accomplishing anything

6.English Composition II is still not accomplishing anything

7. Be annoyed by my ENG II teacher

8. Talk to Dr. Teacher

9. Send love notes

10. Get rejected

11. Cry pitifully to oneself during class

12. Throw papers manically.

13. Throw oneself onto couch in desparity

14. Devise evil plans

15. Watch stupid videos

16. Facebook too much

17. Listen to depressing music

18. Argue with That Pirate Kid

19. Get Married

20. Disappoint my father

21. Dont drive

22. Drink a lot of tea

23. Microwave a lot of tea and meals

24. Eat alone

25. SHIT TON OF MOISTURIZER

26. LIP BALM

27. Have cold hands

28. Play guitar till my fingers almost bleed and my hand falls asleep.

29. Count

30. Try to forget

31. Get depressed by the holidays

32. Cancel New Year’s Eve Party because I hate everyone

33. Unfriend a lot of people on facebook like a pro

34. Go shopping.

35. Video game therapy.

36. Block people on Xbox

37. Make new friends

38. Scrap four blog posts.

39. Pretend to do work .

40. Write long lists.

41. Go to Church

42. Send this link to people

Crazily Motivational


So maybe I’m not motivated at all to do things like:

1. finished the last 11 chapters of my Algebra 2 book.

2. Study for the ACT.
3. Be polite to certain individuals. 

4. Learn how to control my emotions. 

 

And all these things, I really need to do. 

I need to finish my Algebra in order to graduate high school. I need study for the ACT in order to get good grades so I can apply to schools that are worth my time. 

And another thing. 

I’m feeling really useless. I’m feeling like nothing matters. I’m feeling like no matter how much I study, how much I learn, how much money my parents spend on my education, I will never be good enough. Doesn’t matter exactly what I’m “not good enough” for, but that I’ll never get there anyways. 

Or maybe, I’m just hitting the cusp of my teen angst and there is no looking back now. Maybe these are my defining moments and I need to make the best of my algebra 2 and ACT while I still have time, or maybe this is just the end for you my friend. (New Found Glory). Sometimes I have a better hold of what I’m trying to say while I’m typing then when it actually is read… Context is all there is in my brain. 

Then I heard this song, Selfless by New Found Glory, and they say “I’ll catch up on my sleep when I’m dead.” I really appreciate this. I dont get very much sleep anyways, since I think very well between 9pm and 2 am, but also that I like to get up at 9 and still enjoy a morning cup of tea and feel the morning breeze, and listen to the birds. I dont want to miss any second of the day, which means I dont want to be sleeping through the wee hours of the morning/night. 

 

Yesterday’s check list: 
1. Not know how to feel about who you had lunch with. 

2. On one hand, they were acting fine, being fine, treating others kindly. 

3. But on the other, they are also all those people you can’t seem to form a proper opinion of. 

4. Question the definition of “proper”. 

5. Environmental Issues was canceled so I made friends with my classmates in our empty time. 

6. Reveal more about oneself’s life and hear about others more than you thought you should. 

7. Here about That Pirate Kid’s strange summer sex.

8. Try not to look at The Fucking fuck face. 

9. Be instructed by Dr. Teacher to contact Teemo. 

10. Regret ever telling Dr. Teacher I still had his number. 

11. Have bloodshot eyes, all day, errrday.

12. Be concerned about my own two faced actions, 

13. I hate bisexual girls. 

14. Why can’t they make up their minds. 

15. I need better friends. 

16. Crush on someone

17. Become irrevocably disappointed in myself.

18. Forget to reschedule counselling.

19. Don’t tell therapist about You’re In Fucking California X’s return……

20. Try to forget about it. 

21. Cry because he doesn’t want to talk about it

22. Wonder why we have to “talk” about these things. 

23. Forget exactly why I keep feeling this way. 

24. Psychoanalyze self. 

25. Remember that I like philosophy better. 

26. Philosophize about why I’m like this. 

27. Metaphysics sucks. 

28. Is it Cause to Effect? Or Effect = Cause? ugh. 

29. Listen to really bad indie music. 

30. Have band practice. 

31. Remember why I love music and laugh hysterically with my mates 🙂 

 

 

Things I learned along the way


From last December to now:

1. What it’s like to kiss 14 year olds

2. What its like to walk around on city streets  in the dark with people you’ve only met twice.

3. How to bite.

4. The importance of communication

5. How to not give a fuck

6. Blow dryers are helpful to hair, unhelpful to dry skin.

7. The importance of watching movies that are considered “Classics”

8. It’s not all about your grade or how well it was done, its about getting it done way before its due so that its already good.

9. Reading isn’t dumb, its actually better for you than anything else.

10. Tv makes you stupid.

11. You only have so many Jelly Beans.

12. The internet is infinite, and so is human stupidity… but the universe does have an end.

13. Random strangers can be nice people most the time.

14. Never trust old ladies in teen clothing stores

15. Guys and girls aren’t as different from each other as they think they are, they simply express the same ideas and emotions in opposing ways because they strive to be different from one another

16. Girl Gamers are mostly nice, and there are many.

17. Layered nail polish hurts.

18. I am sick of kissing.

19. I fail math tests more than any other exams

20. My SAT score is better than my brother’s.

21. I feel naked without my middle finger ring.

22. This blog keeps me sane.

23. The number of journals I have filled is more than the number of years I have been able to write.

24. PC is something I liked more than I thought I would.

25. I can’t do simple math but give me long algebraic equations, I will eat them up.

26. 1337 5934|< 15 +|=|3 |835+ ❤

27. I know my latin better than google translate

28. I might feel totally alone sometimes while simultaneously feel completely full of life and happiness, but I am just the same as everyone else.

29. I am a lot  better at accepting death and sadness than other people

30. My Mother is the most thoughtful person I know.

31. I have never kissed anyone I loved.

32. My x girlfriend is awesome

33. I can’t decide how much is too much .

34. Promises to myself are some of the hardest things to keep.

35. Jesus is better than sex, beer, tacos, and weed.

36. No matter how much I try to avoid, I know its only a matter of time.

37. I only have so many Jelly Bean’s left.

38. I think I’ve spent most of mine wisely.

39. Except those few where I wasted my time on trying to love someone.

40. Forty is a holy number and I like it a lot.

41. Old age is actually a beautiful thing

42. Sadness is temporary.

43. Memories don’t have to be remembered the same way they happened.

44. Going back in time is all about perspective.

45. I think I am a better person in my written/sung words than any where else.

46. Hyperbole is useful, but it can be over used.

47. I am an over user of it.

48. Honesty is always the best policy even if it hurts so much it’s almost unbearable.

49. I am losing my ability to spell check things mentally.

50. This might be the longest list I’ve written on here.

51.  Silence is better than wasting air on words that mean nothing.

52. I know that I have to be on top.

53. Contrary to popular belief, I actually am not ______

54. I just want to sing.

55. Five is my favorite number, for no particular reason whatsoever.

56. I don’t like the number 3, it bothers me.

57. Maybe someday I wont have to self medicate with video games to drown my sorrows.

58. I hate when people — especially friends — pity me when I try to share something personal.

59. If you need to cry, go outside. And find a sexy shoulder, then cry on it.

60. Is the age my grand mother got married for the 5th time.

61. Games are everywhere.

62. Hate is undefinable.

63. So is love.

64. Up and down are only relative to your position on the earth and gravity’s pull.

65. I really hate humanity most the time.

66. I pray that a smart person who is sparkling will show up on my door step one day and want to be my friend and love me.

67. I  think Plato was right.

68. Ethics are more than morals explained.

69. (hahah) More people make jokes about this number than any other. (rule 34)

70. Christmas is good as long as you get rid of the Scroogy-Grinch in your head.

More Fey, less vomit.


A common theme in my life is being nauseated by people that disgust me.

My most recent facebook status: ” *Empties breakfast out of stomach onto lit room table*”

Remember last post about that S.W.M.N.B.N. (she who must not be named)  and The Queen Bee? yeah that is not going to end for a llong long long long time.

I hate high school, and I dont even go to real high school. I only take 2  classes twice a week. I don’t even want to know what its like to be in school all day. I would die. I would be dead. I would not have survived middle school for goodness sakes.

Anyways. Fey is helping, although  I did desperately want to restyle her hair, but I resisted the whole morning and she was beautiful anyways. I also got to dance with her in front of her boyfriend. Very satisfied.

Away from those things..

I read H.O.N.Y. all day now. (Human’s of New York) It’s amazing. Please go find it.

It’s all about this guy Brandon who is a photographer who goes out on the streets and parks of NYC and takes pictures of people while asking them about their story, or “A piece of advice to give to a large group of people”. I love this. It’s very inspiring  to me, both as a performing  artist and a writer. I also love the  “Today in Micro-fashion” pictures, which are posts of small children in the most adorable outfits on the planet, and all very unique.

I wish more people did this day-to-day, all of us would benefit from listening to each other a little more, and truly appreciating the lives we live. It always brings to mind how small things can affect an individuals personality and idea of life. My philosophy has been rapidly changing since I started reading HONY. No regrets.

I am in 2 bands right now and still writing my own music, but my second band still does not have a name or even a lead guitar player… very unsettling…. Any suggestions?