The lost art of really listening to people. The secret to it is we communicated with our bodies. Open stances or closed stances, fiddling and looking away, shifting glances, wild gestures or uncomfortable arm crossing. The saying “Actions speak louder than words” is a lot of the time true. That’s why reading body language helps tell us when we are being lied to or how people really feel versus what they are saying. A good listener can see these things. A true listener can start to understand someone better by these things. Seeing how a person responds physically can communicate their insecurities and their confidences, the things they like and dislike, and also whether they are extremely selfish or are relaxed and loving. Someone who really listens can see right through people.
Then sometimes silence (or the lack of action) speaks louder than words. Whether that inaction is someone saying one thing and doing another or being completely passive and not communicating at all.
That’s why I wrote a song called “Silence is death”
I wrote this because the lack of communication is a huge scream in itself. Crying silently, suffering in silence, sighing silently. It’s all a way of showing a burden, communicating pain or indifference. Especially indifference. “The silent treatment” is a way to communicate my pain that doesn’t need words to describe it. Everyone knows what it is. Everyone understands why. It’s because sometimes the amount of weight I’m carrying inside me is boiling under my skin and its turning my eyes red and soggy, its breaking me so much I can’t even speak. Sometimes the silence is necessary because I’m screaming so loud on the inside I can’t bear to speak anymore. Or maybe its the opposite, maybe it’s because the world and people around me are so loud I can’t handle the noise anymore so I stopped trying and shut down. Maybe I’m too tired of this sick mess to speak anymore. Words fall short of the things I want to say.
This is why people say things like this:
“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold evermore wonders.”
― Andrew Harvey
Sometimes its really hard to be bursting at the seems like this always. I take a chill pill and reseed into a happy numbness, which sometimes solves the problems and I start to see that I don’t have to hate and hurt from all the noise around me and inside me. I can let it out and in and breathe and be one with it or separate my self from it. Nothing is permanent. But I do wear my anger on my heart and not on my skin. I wear it on the inside where it festers and starts to boil again and I start my silence.
There’s a difference between serenity and being numb.
Communicating like this isn’t all there is though. Sometimes small talk and social interaction in the trivial pursuits can be a fueling ground for socialites or a draining all-consuming pit of terror. Sometimes I love to gossip and joke with my friends, and other times it tears me apart inside to hear idiotic and pointless words. I get so upset I give a silent tantrum and stop speaking to people.
‘Cause I’ve seen more spine on jellyfish
I’ve seen more guts in eleven year old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there’s ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
And again when your head goes through the windshield
Is that what you call tact?
You’re as subtle as a brick
In the small of my back
So let’s end this call and end this conversation
1. Some how reacquaint myself with Alejandro
2. Get more people to accidentally flirt with
3. Cuddle with everyone
4. Fail an audition
5. Environmental Science class is still not accomplishing anything
6.English Composition II is still not accomplishing anything
7. Be annoyed by my ENG II teacher
8. Talk to Dr. Teacher
9. Send love notes
10. Get rejected
11. Cry pitifully to oneself during class
12. Throw papers manically.
13. Throw oneself onto couch in desparity
14. Devise evil plans
15. Watch stupid videos
16. Facebook too much
17. Listen to depressing music
18. Argue with That Pirate Kid
19. Get Married
20. Disappoint my father
21. Dont drive
22. Drink a lot of tea
23. Microwave a lot of tea and meals
24. Eat alone
25. SHIT TON OF MOISTURIZER
26. LIP BALM
27. Have cold hands
28. Play guitar till my fingers almost bleed and my hand falls asleep.
30. Try to forget
31. Get depressed by the holidays
32. Cancel New Year’s Eve Party because I hate everyone
33. Unfriend a lot of people on facebook like a pro
34. Go shopping.
35. Video game therapy.
36. Block people on Xbox
37. Make new friends
38. Scrap four blog posts.
39. Pretend to do work .
40. Write long lists.
41. Go to Church
42. Send this link to people
So maybe I’m not motivated at all to do things like:
1. finished the last 11 chapters of my Algebra 2 book.
2. Study for the ACT.
3. Be polite to certain individuals.
4. Learn how to control my emotions.
And all these things, I really need to do.
I need to finish my Algebra in order to graduate high school. I need study for the ACT in order to get good grades so I can apply to schools that are worth my time.
And another thing.
I’m feeling really useless. I’m feeling like nothing matters. I’m feeling like no matter how much I study, how much I learn, how much money my parents spend on my education, I will never be good enough. Doesn’t matter exactly what I’m “not good enough” for, but that I’ll never get there anyways.
Or maybe, I’m just hitting the cusp of my teen angst and there is no looking back now. Maybe these are my defining moments and I need to make the best of my algebra 2 and ACT while I still have time, or maybe this is just the end for you my friend. (New Found Glory). Sometimes I have a better hold of what I’m trying to say while I’m typing then when it actually is read… Context is all there is in my brain.
Then I heard this song, Selfless by New Found Glory, and they say “I’ll catch up on my sleep when I’m dead.” I really appreciate this. I dont get very much sleep anyways, since I think very well between 9pm and 2 am, but also that I like to get up at 9 and still enjoy a morning cup of tea and feel the morning breeze, and listen to the birds. I dont want to miss any second of the day, which means I dont want to be sleeping through the wee hours of the morning/night.
Yesterday’s check list:
1. Not know how to feel about who you had lunch with.
2. On one hand, they were acting fine, being fine, treating others kindly.
3. But on the other, they are also all those people you can’t seem to form a proper opinion of.
4. Question the definition of “proper”.
5. Environmental Issues was canceled so I made friends with my classmates in our empty time.
6. Reveal more about oneself’s life and hear about others more than you thought you should.
7. Here about That Pirate Kid’s strange summer sex.
8. Try not to look at The Fucking fuck face.
9. Be instructed by Dr. Teacher to contact Teemo.
10. Regret ever telling Dr. Teacher I still had his number.
11. Have bloodshot eyes, all day, errrday.
12. Be concerned about my own two faced actions,
13. I hate bisexual girls.
14. Why can’t they make up their minds.
15. I need better friends.
16. Crush on someone
17. Become irrevocably disappointed in myself.
18. Forget to reschedule counselling.
19. Don’t tell therapist about You’re In Fucking California X’s return……
20. Try to forget about it.
21. Cry because he doesn’t want to talk about it
22. Wonder why we have to “talk” about these things.
23. Forget exactly why I keep feeling this way.
24. Psychoanalyze self.
25. Remember that I like philosophy better.
26. Philosophize about why I’m like this.
27. Metaphysics sucks.
28. Is it Cause to Effect? Or Effect = Cause? ugh.
29. Listen to really bad indie music.
30. Have band practice.
31. Remember why I love music and laugh hysterically with my mates 🙂
From last December to now:
1. What it’s like to kiss 14 year olds
2. What its like to walk around on city streets in the dark with people you’ve only met twice.
3. How to bite.
4. The importance of communication
5. How to not give a fuck
6. Blow dryers are helpful to hair, unhelpful to dry skin.
7. The importance of watching movies that are considered “Classics”
8. It’s not all about your grade or how well it was done, its about getting it done way before its due so that its already good.
9. Reading isn’t dumb, its actually better for you than anything else.
10. Tv makes you stupid.
11. You only have so many Jelly Beans.
12. The internet is infinite, and so is human stupidity… but the universe does have an end.
13. Random strangers can be nice people most the time.
14. Never trust old ladies in teen clothing stores
15. Guys and girls aren’t as different from each other as they think they are, they simply express the same ideas and emotions in opposing ways because they strive to be different from one another
16. Girl Gamers are mostly nice, and there are many.
17. Layered nail polish hurts.
18. I am sick of kissing.
19. I fail math tests more than any other exams
20. My SAT score is better than my brother’s.
21. I feel naked without my middle finger ring.
22. This blog keeps me sane.
23. The number of journals I have filled is more than the number of years I have been able to write.
24. PC is something I liked more than I thought I would.
25. I can’t do simple math but give me long algebraic equations, I will eat them up.
26. 1337 5934|< 15 +|=|3 |835+ ❤
27. I know my latin better than google translate
28. I might feel totally alone sometimes while simultaneously feel completely full of life and happiness, but I am just the same as everyone else.
29. I am a lot better at accepting death and sadness than other people
30. My Mother is the most thoughtful person I know.
31. I have never kissed anyone I loved.
32. My x girlfriend is awesome
33. I can’t decide how much is too much .
34. Promises to myself are some of the hardest things to keep.
35. Jesus is better than sex, beer, tacos, and weed.
36. No matter how much I try to avoid, I know its only a matter of time.
37. I only have so many Jelly Bean’s left.
38. I think I’ve spent most of mine wisely.
39. Except those few where I wasted my time on trying to love someone.
40. Forty is a holy number and I like it a lot.
41. Old age is actually a beautiful thing
42. Sadness is temporary.
43. Memories don’t have to be remembered the same way they happened.
44. Going back in time is all about perspective.
45. I think I am a better person in my written/sung words than any where else.
46. Hyperbole is useful, but it can be over used.
47. I am an over user of it.
48. Honesty is always the best policy even if it hurts so much it’s almost unbearable.
49. I am losing my ability to spell check things mentally.
50. This might be the longest list I’ve written on here.
51. Silence is better than wasting air on words that mean nothing.
52. I know that I have to be on top.
53. Contrary to popular belief, I actually am not ______
54. I just want to sing.
55. Five is my favorite number, for no particular reason whatsoever.
56. I don’t like the number 3, it bothers me.
57. Maybe someday I wont have to self medicate with video games to drown my sorrows.
58. I hate when people — especially friends — pity me when I try to share something personal.
59. If you need to cry, go outside. And find a sexy shoulder, then cry on it.
60. Is the age my grand mother got married for the 5th time.
61. Games are everywhere.
62. Hate is undefinable.
63. So is love.
64. Up and down are only relative to your position on the earth and gravity’s pull.
65. I really hate humanity most the time.
66. I pray that a smart person who is sparkling will show up on my door step one day and want to be my friend and love me.
67. I think Plato was right.
68. Ethics are more than morals explained.
69. (hahah) More people make jokes about this number than any other. (rule 34)
70. Christmas is good as long as you get rid of the Scroogy-Grinch in your head.
A common theme in my life is being nauseated by people that disgust me.
My most recent facebook status: ” *Empties breakfast out of stomach onto lit room table*”
Remember last post about that S.W.M.N.B.N. (she who must not be named) and The Queen Bee? yeah that is not going to end for a llong long long long time.
I hate high school, and I dont even go to real high school. I only take 2 classes twice a week. I don’t even want to know what its like to be in school all day. I would die. I would be dead. I would not have survived middle school for goodness sakes.
Anyways. Fey is helping, although I did desperately want to restyle her hair, but I resisted the whole morning and she was beautiful anyways. I also got to dance with her in front of her boyfriend. Very satisfied.
Away from those things..
I read H.O.N.Y. all day now. (Human’s of New York) It’s amazing. Please go find it.
It’s all about this guy Brandon who is a photographer who goes out on the streets and parks of NYC and takes pictures of people while asking them about their story, or “A piece of advice to give to a large group of people”. I love this. It’s very inspiring to me, both as a performing artist and a writer. I also love the “Today in Micro-fashion” pictures, which are posts of small children in the most adorable outfits on the planet, and all very unique.
I wish more people did this day-to-day, all of us would benefit from listening to each other a little more, and truly appreciating the lives we live. It always brings to mind how small things can affect an individuals personality and idea of life. My philosophy has been rapidly changing since I started reading HONY. No regrets.
I am in 2 bands right now and still writing my own music, but my second band still does not have a name or even a lead guitar player… very unsettling…. Any suggestions?