In light of all my childhood, my raising, and my small knowledge and assumptions, I have seen the contradictions. My mother always said: “You will pick the right man to marry, and it will be beautiful.” I question the word “right”. It’s so dirtied by fate, destiny, and choice. It weighed by belief, drive, and devotion. I don’t always believe in “right”. From Disney, I was taught that the right man for me would show up in glamour and gloss. From romantic comedies, I was taught that the man I love might not be all I thought he was, but he will still be perfect for me.
This is all fine and good… but looking at many marriages that are around me, I’ve seen that some people end up with the “love of their life” and some people end up with someone they just can’t escape from. The marriages of inescapable “rage and love” to quote Billie Joe Armstrong, are the ones where the children are victim to the brokenness that their parents have bound themselves into in marriage. Maybe its destiny, fate, and prophesy. Or maybe it’s the wrong pairing. From a fan’s point of view, and if everything were a novel, it’s not the one true pairing, its the awkward teacher/student pairing every dirtily wishes for but knows if that actually happened everything would go to hell. Why is this? Why is longed after ? And why is so, so, inconceivably wrong. It pains me to see relationships, barely floating on the seas of life, circling the drain, and yet they still try.
They still try, after everything. Maybe its a sign that they want to keep the love going, or they want to stick it out… they want to be redeeming and romantic. They want to have the happy ending. They want Happily Ever After. The question I have about this, is easy. Is it even possible? Or is it that childhood fantasy of becoming a princess? (mine was becoming a fairy queen but same thing). Is it all for nothing?
An answer I can live with for now is: Who knows, because no one keeps track of this shit.
Who the fuck cares…when we’ve lost the will to care.
I’ve met many new people recently, and as the world recognizes, most people are obsessed, fixated, focused, and intent on getting a significant other. Well, this is a problem in my social life because I have many male friends that are confused how to obstain from loving me….and occasionally me from them. This is a HUGE social issue that I hate a lot. It never gets easier and I don’t think it ever will. But will it ever get better when I am an adult? That is the question that is ubiquitous in my life. I don’t really know how to apply the answer yet, as I am still very young and not totally independent yet. I really try to be independent in small ways, paying for clothes/food/entertainment and the rest. Though it is hard when I only work 2 hours a week babysitting. I will start working more after my birthday though–16 in 2 weeks!!– not sure where yet.
There it is again, the urge to meet new people, become close, and fall a part again. Why? Why keep the cycle going? I can’t stop it though.. so I guess I’ll just go with the flow.
I’ve written about 4 songs in the past 3 months. Crazy. A plethora of emotions and thoughts. I don’t even write in my thought journal anymore because I have to many songs in my head.
I went to my first concert on Sunday. Black Veil Brides!! I met a ton of cool and talented people. Lot’s of cover bands. I also saw Warm Bodies last night and it rocked my love story world. Everyone should see that movie. The symbolism blew my mind. Then today, I saw American Idiot the Musical by Green Day. I will never be the same. I loved it. I cried at the end. “This is my rage, This is my love, this is my life.” I LOVE IT!
I’ll be singing those songs for a long time now. Thanks Billie Joe Armstrong! ❤ Changed my life.