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I’m Sorry About Today


I’m sorry about today.

I know it felt off. I was off.

Honestly, when you walked in, my heart skipped a beat like it was February still and we had just met. I was awkward, and I didn’t know how to look at you.

I think my page refreshed in my heart or something. Like I’m falling in love with you over again. Not as if I had fallen out of love with you, but I had fallen into stability with you before, and then disaster struck it’s usual course with me and I fucked up. And I told you.

And maybe it’s better now, I’m honest, I’m here, I’m trying my best but I feel like my best isn’t good enough. Like my best won’t ever be good enough.

And I know you know that too, you said it yourself today. “If only it were easier”.

Simplicity is unattainable in a relationship, nothing is simple when it comes down to human emotion, there are too many variables and inputs you can’t discern one from another because they are inseparable. Life is tangled in us, like I am with you, and I get farther and farther drawn into your life the more I think about you and keep you.

So I’m keeping you. On one side, it is because I am so tangled into you that I feel like to be without you here in the wilderness of the world I’m putting myself in I need you, more than I’ve needed anyone (other than my family). I need you to be here to love me, to help me, to make me feel like I have a home, to make me love someone else like I know I can but thought I never could, you’re here to watch me fuck myself over but still love me after it’s all done.

On the other, I am keeping you because I’ve never tried so hard for a relationship ever before you. I’ve never put my all into someone like I have with you, I do you know? I gave and continue to give everything to you. And maybe that’s a bad thing, maybe it’s a good thing, but those words don’t actually mean anything. Good and bad are the worst descriptions anyone could ever use.

So let me try again.

Maybe it’s gonna kill us both. Maybe staying with you will tear my insides apart because everything I have is all in my head and other than  that I’m worthless. Maybe it’ll kill you to put up with that. It’ll bring you to the point of madness because I’m so damn difficult.

But maybe it’ll teach me how to be here. Maybe it’ll teach me how to edify and not feel superfluous and actually do what everyone says the right thing to do is. Love you, love you forever, love you for always, as long as I’m living, my man you will be?

Sometimes I just cry though, cry and cry, and cry and I can’t stop and I don’t why I’m so sad. So I blame it on the fact that my freedom that I used to know is gone and I feel guilty for everything and I feel like the smallest slip with shatter the world I’ve built with you and it’ll be over and I’ll have to go home because I’m such an emotional wreck.

I think without you I would be suicidal. But you already know that.

I’m might be either way, but I know post-you, I don’t know how I feel.

Because obviously, right now, I’m not in post-you mode. I’m present-you. I’m here, I’m honest, I’m trying my best, and you are too. I don’t know if you are honest, but I’m pretty sure you are, I know when you lie. I don’t know if you are trying your best, because I know you are in a slump right now. I’m hoping you can come out of it and get yourself in the right direction, wherever that may be.

But now, I’m present-you and I’m crying every time I see you, and I’m crying even when I’m not seeing you. And  I was crying in the beginning when the curvature of the earth was separating us and I was crying because I knew what I would come to, but not knowing what the future held scared me so goddamn much I couldn’t even voice my fear because I knew you wouldn’t understand.

It’s not easy having a brain that never stops, a mind palace that is infinite. I’m stuffing my closets in my brain with things I can’t say to you because they will upset you. I’m hoping when I’m with you and I’m in my head that I don’t walk past them and smile, because that happened today and I knew it would make you mad to know about the things I stored away in there. They are becoming blue memories because of you, when they used to be golden, funny and light.

I don’t want to ignore all the good things, but right now those are too easy to see, which means they are in such plain view they are hiding the things I probably need to pay attention too. I’m trying to pay attention.

You can’t pay attention. I don’t know how I’ve adapted to that, I guess adaptability truly is one of my greatest strengths. But with your ADHD I don’t have to change my personality and DNA. I don’t have to change my frontal lobes neuron language. But being monogamous, that is trying to tell me to change my DNA. I don’t think that way. I never will.

Since you told me you didn’t like red, I haven’t worn a single thing red. Some how that small phrase you said months and months ago stuck with me, and I recalled this:

tumblr_nxiy3e638b1r9uelwo1_1280.jpg

I’m not saying this is true, but I’m finding it hard to not relate with.

I know you have changed me, which isn’t a surprise. I’m glad you’ve influenced me. You’ve helped me to see that life can be simple and you can be happy. You’ve helped me understand street smarts and how to avoid scary things. You’ve helped me see what I dislike. You’ve helped me learn how to trust.

But you’ve also instilled the knowledge that I know a simple life will never satiate me. I’ve tried. I’ve pursued the simplicity of monogamy, the easy life of school, job, boy friend. Which would evolve into : Employment, marriage, children. Retirement, settlement, grandchildren. I don’t think I want those things in the white picket fence, sepia filtered sense that you do. Life is rainbow too me, everything is something different than you thought it was, I don’t see things as black and white with rose colored accents. I see it like a flower child from the 60’s would. Like someone tripping on acid but retaining a sense of self.

Deanna pointed out something interesting last night, she said: “It’s funny, how you like being caged by things, but not by people.” She referred to my love of clothing and obsession with belts and accessories; the fact I can’t sleep without my retainers (AKA teeth cages). Being caged by people, or restrained physically, (as you well know by now) makes me fall apart and have a panic attack. Then she said to me, “Take this and apply it to what is happening with you and Shane.”

11.22.15 I can’t be caged. I knew this before with Cameron. See, he and I started our relationship right before he flew out to school his freshman year to Stanford University in California. It was magical and amazing and I was in love with him. But I also knew that I couldn’t be with him if he was away, and it would be wrong of me to keep us monogamous. I also knew inside me that I would never stay true to that anyways. I was 15, but that feeling hasn’t changed.

Fast forward four months and he is back from school, we see each other and fall back into the pattern of things, we are intimate and it’s wonderful, but we also talk for hours and simply enjoy one another. It’s nothing comparable to you of course, you are the absolute opposite of him, which is honestly great. If you were anything like him I wouldn’t truly love you, I would love the shadow of you but be holding onto the memory of Cameron.

Back to  2013, Cameron left, he went  back to school and I was alone. We didn’t discuss our terms, we didn’t need to. He knew I would be with other partners, and I knew he would too. At the time I was 16, and I wasn’t interested in getting any more involved with someone longer than a night. Maybe a week. The point of dating was lost on me.

That summer, Cameron returned and he asked me to be his girlfriend, but he already knew my answer, I think he just wanted to show how he felt. I said that when he was here, and we were talking affectionately he would be my boyfriend, but when he was gone, and we had space he wouldn’t be. But this did not mean monogamy. No, I was with other people, and I told him that. He knew and knows that I am a free spirit that won’t be tamed. I even told him stories and struggles that I had with other partners and friends and he shared his, as my friend.

Friendship comes first, if I can’t talk about the intimate matters that happen with others or the intimate thoughts I have I am not fully expressing myself. As strange as this may seem, I find that story telling is my way of expressing, sharing, and showing my loved ones what is going on inside me and around me. I don’t know if this “socially acceptable” because as you say, “Kissing and telling is just wrong” and the like… I don’t see it as “kissing and telling” I see it as having an experience and telling someone about it, just as if I had climbed Mt. Hood with you and I told my mother. My definition of kissing and telling is like being a huge gossip whore and involving people in your business that shouldn’t be involved. But you see, by my definition, telling you the experiences that I’ve had isn’t being a gossip whore, it is sharing my life with you, a person who is very much in my business and I in yours. If you considered yourself not involved in my business I would be offended and run off dramatically like in the movies (or like a twelve year old).

So Cameron and I continued in this way. No labels, no monogamy, no terms and conditions, just that we were friends, who loved each other very deeply, and knew that without each others support (in what ever way we gave it) we would be sad.

The summer before I met you, Cameron was very entangled with me, but I had no idea how to feel. I went from “please stay” to “I never want to do this again” to “come back”. These emotional swings are still baffling to me, but maybe I was just tired of the condition-less conditions. Our unspoken rules were eating at me.

Now I told you that Cameron and I were still “on” when I met you. I mean you can’t tell me I was doing something wrong because Cameron and I weren’t monogamous. And for all purposes I would have stayed “on” with him even after you asked me to be yours because he was just south of you on the other side of the country. He wasn’t going to fly to see me, no way, but he and I  being “on” just meant that I was still hearing “I love you”‘s from him. Because he loves me. Me, me. He isn’t like my crazy x that is in love with the idea of me as a pony, fetishized and objectified. Cameron loves who I am, and I love who he is.

Then I told him one fateful night via text (because I am obviously the worst human being. Hypocrisy beyond compare), that I was trying monogamy out. Let me emphasize trying.  Not to be confused with doing and achieving. I’m still trying.

11.24.15 Whatever decisions we talk about, whatever thing we are working on, it is always your way or the high way. Sex, food, sleep, conversation, anything. Everything I do is to accommodate for you. I can’t be changing all that I am and all that I think about for you. I need freedom of thought, I need freedom of speech, I need freedom to be the person I am without being afraid I’m going to hurt you by telling you something from my past. I can’t go on accommodating for all that you can’t handle or refuse to handle. I am complicated and difficult, I recognize that, but can’t you comfort me? Can’t you understand that I love you more than I’ve loved any one else in my lifetime and I want to be with you, but I can’t because I am not who I want to be with you.

I’ve thought long and hard over this, and delicately so. I thought about how I would feel after, post-you. I know both of us will be fine. We will live on. Life goes on. I will always love you. I will always love the taste of your skin, the feel of your arms around me, the way you smile when you are truly happy.

I made my choice to be post-you. I’ve decided and you can fight back all you want. But I’m taking the highway option.

You say I can have you and be monogamous, or be without you and be polyamorous. Well, there isn’t an “or” for me. I AM polyamorous. I DO love more than one person this very instant and  I will always love more than one person because that is just how I love.

One day, maybe a few months from now, maybe a year or more, I’ll say hello to you again. And I want you to know I don’t want to cut you out of my life, my heart, my soul, and my mind, no I want to stop the cycle of pain I’ve been experiencing. I want to heal us. Because ever time I’ve had suicidal inclinations, every time I’ve needed support, it never really went away. It isn’t your fault that I have these feelings but it is your fault for triggering them.

I’m not saying this to be awful, I’m saying this because it’s true. Every time I “make a mistake” that I know will hurt you or could hurt you I feel like I’m worthless. I can’t feel that way, it’s driving me to the edge.

I want the best for you, which I know you might think “It’s you! You just need to change!” Well if I need to change to be with you, then I am not what is right for you.

1.2.16 So I love you. That’s undeniable. I have been trying to sort out all the things left unsaid and all the thoughts I had.

I’m thinking of the plans we made together, that look like old memories now. Obviously, neither of us know what the future holds, but we can at least write an outline.

When we met, you said you wanted three princesses, and my heart immediately jumped and I responded in a way I had never reacted to that future thought. In the past, (I know dredging it up again) I had always cowered away and scoffed at people’s proposals of children and marriage. I thought it was nasty. But, when you said that you wanted children in the sweetest way I’d ever heard someone talk about children, I had a feeling I was going to enjoy you.

It was the first time I let myself contemplate a future with someone. The first time I let my mind and heart wander over a thought and actually commit to this fluffy cloud idea. I call it a fluffy cloud idea because it is unpredictable and can change fast. I like those kinds of ideas though, as you know.

I know this must suck. I write and write, and write… It’s awful. I hate to do this to you, but I’m trying to find closure. Which probably doesn’t exist. But I’ll keep trying for our sake’s, I don’t want to lose you.

^^gross, “I dont want to lose you” is the nastiest— I take that back, the nastiest phrase I’ve heard is the one you told me while we were in your bed: “I’m not angry, I’m disappointed” HOW COULD YOU? we talked about that god awful phrase and cursed its existence and then you go and use it! In all seriousness.

Don’t you dare tell me that again. Don’t tell me you are disappointed. Find a better word.

Exemplia gratia/για παράδειγμα

  1. Crest fallen
  2. Despondent
  3. Dispirited
  4. Discouraged
  5. Disheartened

You get the idea.

Anyways. I want you to know I don’t hate you and I don’t want to cut you out of my life like I have done to so many soul-sucked person. Being soul-sucked doesn’t suit you, I prefer you being soul-filled.

 

A Stream of Consciousness List


Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature

62. I WISH I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS

63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands

87. Likes.

88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.

Being Apart and Retrouvailles


Retrouvailles [French]

The Happiness of meeting again after a long time

There are lots of ways that people can be separated. Whether “separate” meaning ending of a relationship, friendship, or bond; or meaning separated by distance and time rather than breaking off that relationship, being apart is painful.

I’ve had friends all over the world, some which I’ve been able to see yearly or more and others that I have never seen.

I have friends I’ve grown up with that became the closest and most important people in my life graduate high school and go far away for college. It hurt to be apart from them. It hurt to lose the physical connection we had and to lose the fulfilling meetings we used to have regularly. But we had retrouvailles when we were finally able to get together during summer, winter, and spring breaks.

Separation changes relationships and changes people. Communication and visiting become more special, but also more difficult. Talking to one another can become a chore, or become monotonous because the same questions are always being asked. “How was your day?” “What did you do?” “How is everyone back home?” “How is school?” “What are your classes like?”‘How was work?”. After a while it feels like there is nothing more to say over the phone or via text.

It feels like the distance between the two of you is prying a wedge between you even more than you thought it would.

happinessisexpensive

It’s costly on everyone in many ways. Seeing friends means gas money, spending money for activities, and food. Seeing friends means a plane ticket home or to them, expenses of travel and the like.

Being apart from friends means you might make new friends and lose those friends, or the flux of new friends is whittled down to the ones that you actually like talking to you, rather than the ones which are just convenient to converse with. The difference between a study buddy and a real pal. It costs time and effort to be happy, to stay happy, and to preserve the happiness that you have with those you love most in the world.

The hardest part about these expenses, is making sure they are worth it, and remain worth it.

convenient

Something being worth your time is far from something which is just convenient. Although, convenience does assist in keeping things that are worth your time.

Convenience is having a neighbor that you can barrow things from politely and they have the same relationship with you, but you wouldn’t invite them over for a heart-to-heart about your dying uncle and the struggles of cancer in your family.

The kind of person you invite over for that serious conversation who thinks you are worth their time is the friend that maybe it isn’t all that convenient for them to see you. That’s why it is special when you see each other, because when you do, both of you have planned that chat, that cup of tea or coffee, that special meeting spot, or the favorite seats in your living room. The date’s been on your calendar and it has been something the two of you texted about for weeks. Making sure both could be there around the same time, prepared and with lots to say.

But also with this best friend, you don’t always need something to talk about. Silence can convey what you need it to as well. Because sometimes all you can say is “I’m so glad you are here,” with me because I need you and you are worth it and I love being with you because I love you. 

And you know they are thinking the same thing and don’t need to say it.

coolshit

Harmony in the those moments of retrouvailles.

Gaming Community, The Internet, and Sexism


MEN AND WOMEN AND EVERYONE IN BETWEEN.

Before we talk about these touchy subjects let’s make a helpful list :

1.We are creatures with sexual natures (asexuals you count too <3)

2. We are IMPERFECT

3. We are emotional creatures (except for you, psychopaths, you’re one of the reasons we are in this mess.)

4. We all face consequences for our actions, deservedly or not, equally or not, we face them.

5. Our bodies may have different looking reproductive organs, but we are two sides of one coin (or if you are genderless etc, you are the coin and I love you for being super cool, brave, and unique).

Ok so here are some articles I found while looking at news reports:

Game Reviewer Receives Rape Threats 

Continued article: ’30 Days of Sexism’

If you read these you will notice that this community (the world wide web connecting gamers since 19-whenever) is one of many genders, races, ethnicity, religions, blah blah diversity. Secondly, the gaming community in its wide diversity can be extremely narrow minded and can be extremely problematic in its ways of being offensive, abusive, negative, and even life threatening, (see: Swatting).

In the gaming community, things move fast and things change fast. But one thing that hasn’t changed too much is women being treated like a sexual commodity. I know this sounds strange, but I can prove it to you.

Here are some videos made by the gaming community about things that ACTUALLY happen (some of these even happened to me).

I kid you not, this kind of language and ludeness is extremely common among gamers male and female, but the intent behind them is simply offensive and wrong for both sides.

Because of the popular belief that most gamers are male (54%), the gaming culture has been formed around these chauvinistic stereotypes. This doesn’t tend to bother too many female or male gamers much, though there has been some marketing campaigns and arguments about this. “You can’t have a woman as a main character in a video game, it just won’t succeed.” (Jean-Max Morris 2013:1). This a sentiment that was argued by the producers of Morris’s game, obviously this is untrue. The sex of the main character has very little to do with the success of the game, actually, the more the game creates a community the more successful the game will be. The gaming community is comfortable for most people because all of us want to be there and participate, if we didn’t we would simply stop participating in the culture.

Females being treated badly in gaming communities is simple. Females started out as a minority in gaming culture because of the gender norms and boundaries set up in the way games were geared toward, war, violence, adventures, and monsters. These things at the dawn of gaming were “manly”, “rough and tough”, and everything but sugar and spice and everything nice. Now that gender roles in our society have evened out a little more girls dont feel like war, violence, adventure, and monsters are all that threatening to their femininity or threatening at all to face in a game. But from what I’ve seen is that the community of gamers was established on male virtues. Slogans like “Bro’s before  hoes”, “you game like a girl”, and “make me a sandwich” all stem from guys being the dominating figures of the gaming community.

Since males have dominated gaming for so long, girls who have eased their way into the community usually keep a low profile, 47% is a lot, but still women openly saying they are women on their profile or in game can be rare. This is because of threats like what Alanah Pearce received in the comments on her game review videos. For me, I’ve been online gaming in both the Xbox live and PC gaming (League of Legends mostly) communities for years, and I have actually met guys and girls online that I am still friends with after gaming since 2012. There is hope for the community to revive itself, but when environments are toxified by people with no actual understanding of what their words are doing, change can’t happen.

The best way to explain gaming culture is to experience it, but not everyone is interested or accustomed to the way gamers communicate and relate to one another. That is why most people write gamers off as uneducated and not very sensitive, when the opposite is true, gamers have feelings too we just express ourselves very differently. “Young people will always find new ways to represent their cultural concerns, in ways that inevitably alienate the previous generation. Such linguistic creativity as 1337 5p34K, characterized by adaptation and modification, has evolved from the game geek’s need to express and communicate within a supportive community of like-minded participants.”(Blashki and Nichol 2005:85) What we lack is support usually, because the gaming community is very competitive and raunchy. We like the raunchiness to a point though. Things cross lines, and our ways of communicating can be taken to whole other levels of bad. Swearing is normal, insulting people randomly is normal, threatening to rape, abuse, assault, swat, etc. is not normal or legal.

Finals Week Check List


1. Some how reacquaint myself with Alejandro

2. Get more people to accidentally flirt with

3. Cuddle with everyone

4. Fail an audition

5. Environmental Science class is still not accomplishing anything

6.English Composition II is still not accomplishing anything

7. Be annoyed by my ENG II teacher

8. Talk to Dr. Teacher

9. Send love notes

10. Get rejected

11. Cry pitifully to oneself during class

12. Throw papers manically.

13. Throw oneself onto couch in desparity

14. Devise evil plans

15. Watch stupid videos

16. Facebook too much

17. Listen to depressing music

18. Argue with That Pirate Kid

19. Get Married

20. Disappoint my father

21. Dont drive

22. Drink a lot of tea

23. Microwave a lot of tea and meals

24. Eat alone

25. SHIT TON OF MOISTURIZER

26. LIP BALM

27. Have cold hands

28. Play guitar till my fingers almost bleed and my hand falls asleep.

29. Count

30. Try to forget

31. Get depressed by the holidays

32. Cancel New Year’s Eve Party because I hate everyone

33. Unfriend a lot of people on facebook like a pro

34. Go shopping.

35. Video game therapy.

36. Block people on Xbox

37. Make new friends

38. Scrap four blog posts.

39. Pretend to do work .

40. Write long lists.

41. Go to Church

42. Send this link to people

Crazily Motivational


So maybe I’m not motivated at all to do things like:

1. finished the last 11 chapters of my Algebra 2 book.

2. Study for the ACT.
3. Be polite to certain individuals. 

4. Learn how to control my emotions. 

 

And all these things, I really need to do. 

I need to finish my Algebra in order to graduate high school. I need study for the ACT in order to get good grades so I can apply to schools that are worth my time. 

And another thing. 

I’m feeling really useless. I’m feeling like nothing matters. I’m feeling like no matter how much I study, how much I learn, how much money my parents spend on my education, I will never be good enough. Doesn’t matter exactly what I’m “not good enough” for, but that I’ll never get there anyways. 

Or maybe, I’m just hitting the cusp of my teen angst and there is no looking back now. Maybe these are my defining moments and I need to make the best of my algebra 2 and ACT while I still have time, or maybe this is just the end for you my friend. (New Found Glory). Sometimes I have a better hold of what I’m trying to say while I’m typing then when it actually is read… Context is all there is in my brain. 

Then I heard this song, Selfless by New Found Glory, and they say “I’ll catch up on my sleep when I’m dead.” I really appreciate this. I dont get very much sleep anyways, since I think very well between 9pm and 2 am, but also that I like to get up at 9 and still enjoy a morning cup of tea and feel the morning breeze, and listen to the birds. I dont want to miss any second of the day, which means I dont want to be sleeping through the wee hours of the morning/night. 

 

Yesterday’s check list: 
1. Not know how to feel about who you had lunch with. 

2. On one hand, they were acting fine, being fine, treating others kindly. 

3. But on the other, they are also all those people you can’t seem to form a proper opinion of. 

4. Question the definition of “proper”. 

5. Environmental Issues was canceled so I made friends with my classmates in our empty time. 

6. Reveal more about oneself’s life and hear about others more than you thought you should. 

7. Here about That Pirate Kid’s strange summer sex.

8. Try not to look at The Fucking fuck face. 

9. Be instructed by Dr. Teacher to contact Teemo. 

10. Regret ever telling Dr. Teacher I still had his number. 

11. Have bloodshot eyes, all day, errrday.

12. Be concerned about my own two faced actions, 

13. I hate bisexual girls. 

14. Why can’t they make up their minds. 

15. I need better friends. 

16. Crush on someone

17. Become irrevocably disappointed in myself.

18. Forget to reschedule counselling.

19. Don’t tell therapist about You’re In Fucking California X’s return……

20. Try to forget about it. 

21. Cry because he doesn’t want to talk about it

22. Wonder why we have to “talk” about these things. 

23. Forget exactly why I keep feeling this way. 

24. Psychoanalyze self. 

25. Remember that I like philosophy better. 

26. Philosophize about why I’m like this. 

27. Metaphysics sucks. 

28. Is it Cause to Effect? Or Effect = Cause? ugh. 

29. Listen to really bad indie music. 

30. Have band practice. 

31. Remember why I love music and laugh hysterically with my mates 🙂 

 

 

Copy+Paste <3


Here is a totally random blog post for your entertainment, Minecrafter, Fey, and D the Lead Girl

I found this on Cyanide and Happiness’s Face Book page:

peeinginthemiddleurinal

 

Then on that feed I found this: 

So, I had heard this before but this confirms my suspicions. Guys have a rule that you just cant pee standing next to someone. And the middle urinal is the urinal only to be used if you are the only one in the bathroom. I’ve heard of “Guy code” and “Bro code” but this is far past that. This is the unbreakable rules of the men’s room. THE MEN’S ROOM as in the only room where they get to be men and dick around. I find it very  funny they have this rule because in the lady’s room, most social etiquette get’s tossed out the window. But I guess we don’t exactly share the same space when actually peeing, we have our little boxes we sit in to protect us.

Quotes from this feed: (From all men mind you)

“Who uses the middle urinal??” (1,000 + likes)

“Urinal etiquette goes out the window when there’s a lit candle in the middle urinal.” (40 likes)

“Men who use the middle urinal know, that it is the rule of men to leave one space between urinals, so when you use the center urinal, you’re basically saying fuck you I piss alone, since most bathroom urinals have 3 urinals.”

“An asshole like me who’ll make eye contact with you to make you as uncomfortable as possible.”

Then I found this on the same feed: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just a bunch of blah blah from the other day… if you feel inclined to bother.

I always remember the little details of things.

1.What song my friend and I listened  to the first time we met in subway when they still sold 5 dollar personal pizza’s. It was You’re Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring. He thought that when he said “far” he was saying fuck… haha dumb ass can’t read song titles and recognize chorus’.

2.I remember what outfit I wore when I first made out with a guy. My Tripp.co black and white ripped skinny’s and a black Jackson Pollock t-shirt. I was wearing a red bra, and I also had a sweatshirt that was my brothers. The song’s we played: Perfect Weapon by Black Veil Brides, More Than A Feeling by Boston, and some other awful bullshit.

3.I remember the outfit I was wearing when The worst X broke up with me. Vintage pink cashmere poncho with rabbit fur and white fish nets under a white fluffy skirt.

4. The talk Mr. Teacher gave me about hate.

5. Rosa telling me she felt like we were friends in another life and then never speaking to me again. We must have fought in our other life.

6. Calling Sarah, Rosa because I was thinking about how much they hated each other. She was pissed as fuck.

7.  Endless mistakes

8. Clashing teeth with the Fucktard.

I like this:

tumblr_n09zm0rxG21ryfcbbo1_500

And that’s all.

How to be in a bad relationship


Here is the plan step by step of a negative or not really meant to be relationship:

hairstroking

#1. Propose

  • This does not necessarily mean meet someone and instantly ask them to marry you. What I mean is: Propose the idea of the relationship; or otherwise called “asking them out” or “Dating” but I think these words are dumb.

#2. Build it.

  • You’ve gone on a date or two, you’ve texted frantically, Facebooked back and forth, maybe even created some inside jokes or two, and now you’re getting to the part where you actually start talking seriously about yourselves. Rough childhood confessions and awkward embarrassing stories galore.

#3. Take a step towards a base of your choice.

  • Getting up close and personal on a level that gets you more in the other persons bubble will most likely reveal things about their personality you may or may not like. Maybe he is more of a biter than you prefer, or enjoys some excess distasteful tongue in mouth, or dare I say, takes it farther than you had hoped.

#4. Have a talk

  • You’ve dug up the bones dear, now you’re in for hell. You’ve gotten alone, you crossed some lines, you’ve talked seriously and maybe found some touchy subjects or two; now its time to strike while the prey is weak. You might have found that you don’t trust this person as much as you originally thought you did on date #1 when proposing was such sweetness and gaiety.

#5. Receive a special gift.

  • Ok you were wrong, you love this person. Completely trust them, and don’t really mind their kissing abilities being very horrifying– I mean different from yours. You’ve taken it to the “next level” or should I say, the challenge to see how good you are at faking you are grossed out. Yup, humans are gross.

#6. Get rejected.

  • You thought it had gone well, but evidently your partner had other plans. Maybe it was the “I love you” hurriedly uttered as you left?
  • backthefuckupyeahdanisnotonfire

#7. Recover.

  • You will not be discouraged this easily! You just shared magical moments with this individual and are not ready to throw away all the hard work.

#8. Keep trying

  • They didn’t reply to your texts. Or your emails. Or your Face Book messages or cute cat picture posts, or all the “tell them I wanna see them” to their friends messages. But you still wont be discouraged right? You got some gumption, you can do it.

#9. Give a special gift.

  • You had a fling with a friend because you were stressed, oops. You are too scared to tell your ProposedOne since its too horrifying for them to think any lesser of you at this point.
  • itwascomiccon, i was drunk

#10. Ever Hopeful.

  • Ever…. ok its getting kind of pathetic.

#11. Pray for reciprocation.

  • Wouldn’t hurt to try right?

#12. Break down.

  • Things have gotten out of control in your mind. You keep texting ProposedOne but he/she is “too  busy” to answer. His/her Face Book is vacant and you don’t even want to remember what was typed over skype. It seems that it’s all over, but you can’t help but feel entirely in love with them.
  • ohnoohnohohno

#13.  Suck it up.

  • You are starting to realize this was probably a bad idea. You are so infatuated you don’t even know how many people you have talked to about this person, and you can’t quite recall why. You just want to bury yourself in a ditch and never be seen again.
  • foxy

#14. You’ve got a big mouth

  • Your friends are confused. They can’t quite understand what happened between the magical moments and the “I want to die” stages. You try to explain over and over but it seems like they’ve gotten bored with your whining and are moving on. You should too.

#15. Fail

  • Trying to move on isn’t exactly the easiest thing as all humans know. You can’t just wake up one day and say: “I am so totally done with you,” and immediately feel like you are a bird in free fall who catches it self right away to swoop into its pretty birds nest with absolute grace. No you feel more like you are in a tornado on flip-book that gets stuck at some point because its pages are a little too bent.
  • tornado

#16. Don’t text them

  • AT ALL. FOR A WEEK. ………………..but if he texts you first that’s ok.

#17. Agony.

  • This ignoring them back stuff is really hard. You feel like your inside are imploding because you have gone probably a day without texting, facebooking, or skyping them. The separation anxiety is almost unbearable so you invite friends over to distract yourself.

Things I learned along the way


From last December to now:

1. What it’s like to kiss 14 year olds

2. What its like to walk around on city streets  in the dark with people you’ve only met twice.

3. How to bite.

4. The importance of communication

5. How to not give a fuck

6. Blow dryers are helpful to hair, unhelpful to dry skin.

7. The importance of watching movies that are considered “Classics”

8. It’s not all about your grade or how well it was done, its about getting it done way before its due so that its already good.

9. Reading isn’t dumb, its actually better for you than anything else.

10. Tv makes you stupid.

11. You only have so many Jelly Beans.

12. The internet is infinite, and so is human stupidity… but the universe does have an end.

13. Random strangers can be nice people most the time.

14. Never trust old ladies in teen clothing stores

15. Guys and girls aren’t as different from each other as they think they are, they simply express the same ideas and emotions in opposing ways because they strive to be different from one another

16. Girl Gamers are mostly nice, and there are many.

17. Layered nail polish hurts.

18. I am sick of kissing.

19. I fail math tests more than any other exams

20. My SAT score is better than my brother’s.

21. I feel naked without my middle finger ring.

22. This blog keeps me sane.

23. The number of journals I have filled is more than the number of years I have been able to write.

24. PC is something I liked more than I thought I would.

25. I can’t do simple math but give me long algebraic equations, I will eat them up.

26. 1337 5934|< 15 +|=|3 |835+ ❤

27. I know my latin better than google translate

28. I might feel totally alone sometimes while simultaneously feel completely full of life and happiness, but I am just the same as everyone else.

29. I am a lot  better at accepting death and sadness than other people

30. My Mother is the most thoughtful person I know.

31. I have never kissed anyone I loved.

32. My x girlfriend is awesome

33. I can’t decide how much is too much .

34. Promises to myself are some of the hardest things to keep.

35. Jesus is better than sex, beer, tacos, and weed.

36. No matter how much I try to avoid, I know its only a matter of time.

37. I only have so many Jelly Bean’s left.

38. I think I’ve spent most of mine wisely.

39. Except those few where I wasted my time on trying to love someone.

40. Forty is a holy number and I like it a lot.

41. Old age is actually a beautiful thing

42. Sadness is temporary.

43. Memories don’t have to be remembered the same way they happened.

44. Going back in time is all about perspective.

45. I think I am a better person in my written/sung words than any where else.

46. Hyperbole is useful, but it can be over used.

47. I am an over user of it.

48. Honesty is always the best policy even if it hurts so much it’s almost unbearable.

49. I am losing my ability to spell check things mentally.

50. This might be the longest list I’ve written on here.

51.  Silence is better than wasting air on words that mean nothing.

52. I know that I have to be on top.

53. Contrary to popular belief, I actually am not ______

54. I just want to sing.

55. Five is my favorite number, for no particular reason whatsoever.

56. I don’t like the number 3, it bothers me.

57. Maybe someday I wont have to self medicate with video games to drown my sorrows.

58. I hate when people — especially friends — pity me when I try to share something personal.

59. If you need to cry, go outside. And find a sexy shoulder, then cry on it.

60. Is the age my grand mother got married for the 5th time.

61. Games are everywhere.

62. Hate is undefinable.

63. So is love.

64. Up and down are only relative to your position on the earth and gravity’s pull.

65. I really hate humanity most the time.

66. I pray that a smart person who is sparkling will show up on my door step one day and want to be my friend and love me.

67. I  think Plato was right.

68. Ethics are more than morals explained.

69. (hahah) More people make jokes about this number than any other. (rule 34)

70. Christmas is good as long as you get rid of the Scroogy-Grinch in your head.

More Fey, less vomit.


A common theme in my life is being nauseated by people that disgust me.

My most recent facebook status: ” *Empties breakfast out of stomach onto lit room table*”

Remember last post about that S.W.M.N.B.N. (she who must not be named)  and The Queen Bee? yeah that is not going to end for a llong long long long time.

I hate high school, and I dont even go to real high school. I only take 2  classes twice a week. I don’t even want to know what its like to be in school all day. I would die. I would be dead. I would not have survived middle school for goodness sakes.

Anyways. Fey is helping, although  I did desperately want to restyle her hair, but I resisted the whole morning and she was beautiful anyways. I also got to dance with her in front of her boyfriend. Very satisfied.

Away from those things..

I read H.O.N.Y. all day now. (Human’s of New York) It’s amazing. Please go find it.

It’s all about this guy Brandon who is a photographer who goes out on the streets and parks of NYC and takes pictures of people while asking them about their story, or “A piece of advice to give to a large group of people”. I love this. It’s very inspiring  to me, both as a performing  artist and a writer. I also love the  “Today in Micro-fashion” pictures, which are posts of small children in the most adorable outfits on the planet, and all very unique.

I wish more people did this day-to-day, all of us would benefit from listening to each other a little more, and truly appreciating the lives we live. It always brings to mind how small things can affect an individuals personality and idea of life. My philosophy has been rapidly changing since I started reading HONY. No regrets.

I am in 2 bands right now and still writing my own music, but my second band still does not have a name or even a lead guitar player… very unsettling…. Any suggestions?