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Swears


I’m writing this while listening to my favorite band. (can you guess?)

I’ve been raised to not swear by my mom, and to swear (especially when drunk) by my father. Now that I am a young adult I can make more decisions for myself, such as what vocab I use. At 12, I hung with a cruel group of teens a few years older than me who liked to swear in random bursts. I didn’t really like it then and only tried to stop them. But I got addicted to the sound of the words, the effect they had on other people’s faces, and the way they made my sentences sound. The way they made me sound. I sounded dangerous, rebellious, different, and somewhere between grown up and immature. Until I was 14, I loved the swears, but something changed. I cant remember what it was, maybe it was something I heard somewhere.. maybe at Berea, the trip I went on with my youth group. Or maybe it was the falling out I had with my group of ruffians after my disaster of a three-way birthday party. (Joe and I both turning 14 in the same month and Josh turning 17.) It was the worst birthday party in the history of my birthday parties (and I have had some pretty bad ones.) That year I entered 9th grade early, and went to the public high for Drama club and met new best friend Nick D. He swore even more than my old friends. But the difference between him and them is when I asked him to not swear, he would try. He cared about me and respected my views, even if those views were confusing for him to understand. We ended up spending almost everyday together for around 4 months, maybe more. Both of us having a very platonic relationship. And we spoke freely about our relationships at the time, and neither lasted. He turned me to swearing again, but this time it wasn’t to hear my voice, or to see other people reactions, it was for the true use of passion in speech. It was for usage and not for impression.

Nick taught me a lot about things I had never thought of. After all he was 2 years older than me and much less naive as I was. Some things I took badly too, other things I liked. He’s at boot camp now. And he’ll be graduating this coming year. I miss him.

Although I was more used to swearing because of him, I barely used it. It wasn’t something I needed. It wasn’t part of my daily vocabulary. It wasn’t necessary.

My 15 birthday brought so much joy, it was the best party ever! Although I was still heart broken from my little fling during the fall, I was willing to put it behind me for an amazing night with my best girlfriends. And it truly was the best night. It was even better than prom. Everyone dressed as fairies and looked unique because they brought their own take on what a fairy would be like. My hair was completely purple so I was a dark faery of the night. That night we swore. We laughed, and we laughed so hard we cried and swore more. We played truth or dare and swore happily, we played Kings and swore, because everything we said was unspeakable in public. We watched a movie and cursed at it. We had so much fun. And so peacefully we slept in my living room after eating to the brink of barfing candy, cake and pizza. I’ll never forget that night.

I started gaming a lot. I played Xbox almost daily. And everyone I met online, including my new boyfriend was avidly swearing about everything. They missed a shot on someone during a quick scoping match, they would cuss loudly. If someone made fun of their gamer-tag, an exchange of cuss words and profanities were thrown around, sometimes peppered with sexist or racist comments. Whenever  I spoke with my boyfriend and his friends on Xbox their was so much swearing I wouldn’t let my parents hear the volume on the TV. I kept it strictly in the Turtle Beach Headset. Almost the opposite happened when I was on the phone with him. He barely swore when he was away from the Xbox. I swore more when I was away from it. We broke up 3 weeks ago but it had nothing to do with swearing and everything to do with indecision and unsureness. We talked on the phone for 2 hours today to talk about a lot things. We laughed and swore a lot. We swore because people in our lives are fucked. His brother died this month. Our ‘friends’ tried to break us up an uncountable amount of times, and we had struggled for sometime. But its water under the bridge, and my bridge is made of the strongest stuff, they wont be getting at me any time soon.

I used a lot of swears today. And in the past months since February 20th 2012 I have sworn more and more. And have become  more and more aware and accustomed to swears. I don’t see them as bad, I see them as expression of wrong, but not wrong itself.

What do you think about swears?