- I love Take.
- He loves me too.
- We have nice animals friends who are fluffy and adorable and happy .
- They make us laugh.
- Cozy closets.
- Weird items that are oddly comforting.
- Ice Bat – ugly doll
- Middle finger kitty
- T: Finding your clothes mixed in with mine .
- T: Waking up and taking showers
- Coconut oil
- not feeling sick.
- When technology works
- Cozy blankets
- Good Weather
- Happy Memories
- Learning an instrument
- Soft skin
- Sweet touches
- Cute outfits
- Hair cuts.
- Stoner Pits
- New places to hang out
- Familiar paths through the tiny woods.
- Old creaky buildings.
1. Some how reacquaint myself with Alejandro
2. Get more people to accidentally flirt with
3. Cuddle with everyone
4. Fail an audition
5. Environmental Science class is still not accomplishing anything
6.English Composition II is still not accomplishing anything
7. Be annoyed by my ENG II teacher
8. Talk to Dr. Teacher
9. Send love notes
10. Get rejected
11. Cry pitifully to oneself during class
12. Throw papers manically.
13. Throw oneself onto couch in desparity
14. Devise evil plans
15. Watch stupid videos
16. Facebook too much
17. Listen to depressing music
18. Argue with That Pirate Kid
19. Get Married
20. Disappoint my father
21. Dont drive
22. Drink a lot of tea
23. Microwave a lot of tea and meals
24. Eat alone
25. SHIT TON OF MOISTURIZER
26. LIP BALM
27. Have cold hands
28. Play guitar till my fingers almost bleed and my hand falls asleep.
30. Try to forget
31. Get depressed by the holidays
32. Cancel New Year’s Eve Party because I hate everyone
33. Unfriend a lot of people on facebook like a pro
34. Go shopping.
35. Video game therapy.
36. Block people on Xbox
37. Make new friends
38. Scrap four blog posts.
39. Pretend to do work .
40. Write long lists.
41. Go to Church
42. Send this link to people
I’ve noticed I can’t tell anyone anything without starting at the VERY beginning. I feel like if I don’t tell them the back story to the present story they wont understand it. Maybe I just think people are a little ignorant, or maybe I know they are, but I am curious if I am using this “back story” telling as a coping mechanism.
I know I just wrote a blog on stress relievers, but those are specifically short-term. Those are in the moment actions to try to ease temporary pain.
But coping mechanism aren’t the same. They are long-term reactions and actions that are trying to address (or not address) ongoing or past trauma’s and problems. For instance, Anorexia, cutting, writing, therapy, working more, hyper focus on something, extreme routine, exercise, addiction (to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video games, gambling, etc.) can be a coping mechanisms. Bad or good they are. Bad coping can get you into quite a bit of trouble, as the addicts, cutters, anorexics, and workaholics know, or aren’t aware of. I know I’ve been a lot of things, and I think though some coping mechanisms are bad, if you end up an addict or something like that you learn a lot about yourself after you come out of it. Hopefully everything will get out of their addictions, at least the harmful kind, I enjoy being addicted to chocolate, its worth it. But that too is a coping mechanism. It’s comforting, its routine, and it brings about good feelings in the brain and the tummy! So, why do it if maybe it makes you fat? Because in the end it helps.
Sometimes, the “harmful” coping kinds can be the most tempting. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, party till you die, dance till you drop, or the other side, succeed succeed succeed or fail fail fail. It’s all a lot of pressure. We have coping mechanisms for our coping mechanisms.
Maybe you drink because you hate how much you work, so then you hyper focus on sex because your drinking and work are depressing.
Or, maybe you cut because you think you’re fat and then you become anorexic to take control of yourself in a way, then you eat a lot of chocolate and the cycle restarts.
Maybe you just want to ignore your life because it sucks so bad at home or you had a traumatic childhood so you play video games and eat all day, while failing financially and never getting an education beyond high-school. maybe you don’t even finish high-school and drop out.
The possibilities are endless, but its true, all of us are using these coping mechanisms for our coping mechanisms and it’s just a horrible or terrabad cycle.
A Teenager’s Guide to Relieving Stress:
#1. Find the closest person to blab too
The more you talk the better it will be right? Get it out of your system? Well after talking to just about every single friend of yours, family members, random strangers, and maybe even the waitress that serves you lunch at your favorite restaurant everyday, you still dont feel any better.
#2. Try talking to a Professional
Hey, it works in most the movies, why not IRL (in real life) ?
#3. Decide you probably need to blow off some steam physically instead.
Run around like a child in park. Jump off a small bridge. Get a adrenaline high by taking a run around the block. Play weird games. Still feel dissatisfied.
#4. Grab a random make out buddy.
You thought this was the best idea yet.
You’re random make-out buddy happens to also have a significant other they forgot to mention. Feel like shit for 2 weeks.
#6. Video game + Monster + Cheetos Binge
You’re young, you’re body can handle it, just not the overwhelming pounds of homework, family drama, and friend catastrophes. When life gets tough, the teenagers get procrastinating.
#7. Decide to make changes about yourself.
Make quirky habits, like always folding your money in your wallet a certain way, or rearranging every salt and pepper shaker you come into contact with in the perfect way on that table.
#8. Pretend like everything’s alright
Everyone else is doing it.
#9. Try something new
Maybe drugs, maybe smoking, maybe a new video game, or maybe a scary combination of Greek yogurt and old crystallized honey bits with graham crackers.
#10. Try to forget you were stressed
Tell yourself many lies. Like : “I am the happiest person on the planet!” , “I love this song!” , “Best week ever!” , “School isn’t so bad.” , “I bet my mom isn’t the only women who will love me.”, “Someday I’ll find my prince.”
#11. Wonder why you started this
Writing stuff on crumpled lined paper titled “Dear diary” isn’t making life easier. Re-watching old ’80’s films is also probably going to give you some type of eye cancer or something bad. Definitely something bad.
#12. Do random Google searches.
This will most definitely make you think about other things. But don’t visit WebM.D., You’ll probably end up being a hypochondriac and then in turn develop extreme germophobia, which will inevitably lead to agoraphobia, says WebM.D. anyways.
#13. Fuck it.
Give up the search and buckle down. Or not.
I wrote a long while back a blog to my friend, or my x boyfriend x friend, and it was because he had stopped contacting me under the pretense of trying to get over me, and told me not to contact him, so, since our relationship was pretty strong, I respected his need for space.
Until I received a text at 2 am from him saying to check my facebook. I got up during the sunlight hours, read the message and immediately did as instructed. It had been months since we had talked last, probably almost 9 since I had started dating someone else and usually other x boyfriends find their way into the wood work when that happens (or they go totally ham on you (ham meaning crazy, try hard, etc) and attempt to take your attention back to them).
He had send me a document title: “Hey”. In the same chat box, I could see the last message he had sent me. Something about not wanting to ever talk to me again. Liar. He had always been a bad liar anyways, and I saw right through him. That sad part was, he knew I knew, but he kept at it.
The document contained… at least 3 pages of him talking about an extensive amount of things that were going on with him, and how he still thought of me, and still loved me, and wanted me back with all of his heart. He went on, saying
“Truthfully, you’re reading this because you were not expecting in the slightest a message from me. Maybe you were, I don’t know how your mind reading skills have developed, but for all intents and purposes, this is completely random. “
I can only read his mind because I know him so well, but it baffles him for some reason. Adorable.
Then he wrote so many “I’m sorry for..” and “I know you know..” I can’t quite summarize it very well.
“Finally, I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. My mind works as well as a political organization, and is therefore subject to make completely idiotic decisions. There is so much more stuff I’d like to apologize for, but either can’t think of, or they are too relevant to list here. I’ve made bad decisions throughout the two years I’ve known you, and honestly, it feels like twenty. I’ve aged so much mentally, and gained wisdom I never would have gotten otherwise. But at what cost? In my attempt to gain the answers to everything, I lost you, friends, and people close to me. I realize now which is more important, but hindsight is always 20/20.”
While I was reading this I cried a lot. I also laughed at that second line there. “Works as well as a political organization,” great comparison. He was also really right about most of the stuff he said about things between us. We were best friends, and we fought for each other. Both of us while we knew each other were surrounded by people that tore us down, and tried to tear our relationship apart. I am proud to say those people were never the reason for our relationship coming to a close, at least not on my end… I think they may have affected him in a way I didn’t understand at the time. Our breakup was comical since it was the last of many, breakups and getting back togethers, but the after shock didn’t set in till later when his brother died. I had already been in contact with his mother a lot since he was suicidal and she was on my speed dial, but when she talked to me about the death, she told me things I would never be able to tell him.
She knew the death wasn’t an accident. No one wanted to tell him, and I dont think he knows today.
A year later, he and I had still been talking off and on, but never as fervently as we had that summer.
Around the same time of year, his father had taken the plunge. I knew this was almost the last straw for him, he had always said he hated his dad, for everything, but I knew no one could hate their dad… not enough to be happy when he was dead.
I called and left a voicemail. But I didn’t think it was enough. He called me back a day later, and we talked… I tried to make him laugh, but I think it was fake and forced.
It’s been almost a year since then, and he hasn’t been well at all, and he refused to talk to me after that.
After receiving the letter in September, we skyped, I doubted we could see each other in person. It wasn’t the same, we were different people.
A bit of my letter in response to him:
“I look at your name on my favorite pair of pants and its all crossed out and written over.
But its still there.
Sharpie is permanent marker and I always write in it.”
…..But you know me.
No one usually believes me, but I’ve never had a good dream. I’ve always had nightmares. No matter where or when in my emotional or social life, I have always experienced strife, maybe this is the cause of my perpetual fears in my subconscious. I’ve gotten so used to having these strange nightmares, that I tend to just accept them into my consciousness after waking. Some of my dreams have even taken me to places where I learn more about who I am on the inside when my dream self is faced with conflicts a person in startrek would be faced with. Sometimes I am a man in my dreams. This mornings dream I was a man, and in a very strange place.
The World wasn’t as it should be. I was an officer in a clan, this clan had a two queens that were seemly getting more pregnant every passing minute in my dream. We seemed to be running from a large parasitic enemy that took its live victims and implanted a device to control them. (I didn’t know this till the end of my dream.) I can’t recall what exactly our clan was fighting in the beginning of the dream, but it seemed we were fighting in a department store. This department store was one of the bottom levels of a million levels of dimensions. We retreated from this dimension to an upper one, running up what appeared to be basement stairs. In this new world we just emerged in, every thing was constructed as a giant store-room, though every shelf and wall was a mass of packed trash and decomposing apple cores and other foods. The floor was cement. There was an overhang secluded from most of this world and we took shelter there. Another inhabitants found us and were hostile, but saw that we were just refugees of war, so they did not try to force out of their world. A relationship started to bloom between their male leader and our female one, the older sister of the two queens. This took shape ver quickly, and in a blur we seemed to have lived there for some time. In the clearest parts of my dream the two leaders came together for a visit, guards and officers preoccupied with them when the enemy we had hidden from attacked the dimensions natives first. They were almost wiped out before we noticed. I turned a corner hearing a laser fire with a quick shot shortly after. It was an infected native, I could tell by the ripped eye sockets now filled with blue electricity. This man shot a crawling body as I turned the corner at my feet. He focused on my and tried to fire direct t my head but I dodged the yellow and gold stream of life from his gun. He tried firing his shotgun attachment but missed again and grazed the wall next to me. Frustrated, he lounged at me, and I ducked below the muzzle of his weapon and flipped it so it was directed at him. I shot him holding down the trigger so the beam of yellow and gold would liquidate his flesh. He disappeared.
I flew down the coradoores and reached the fort where my clan was scattered and dead. At this point I wasn’t concerned about my fellow-men, or even my queen, or even keeping peace between the natives, it was fight and flight or death. The programmed soldiers were running down a ramp, their blue sockets pointing at me, I fired at them and disintegrated 10, and then I ran out of room to run. I was corned and more enemies were pouring into the dimensions from all the entrances. My gun was out of laser to fire, and I didn’t know how to operate the shotgun attachment to keep myself protected, and every enemy stopped firing. I was the last.
“You are the last of this world to fall to us. And you will be the first to rise with us.” they said, holding a triangular plastic implant, wires and cords springing from it. It was poised to be shoved down my throat.
Waking up after this was very strange. I wanted to see what I would become, deffenceless as I was. I’m not sure what this means, but I do know since I have not watched an alien movie or played an alien game for so long it has not been influenced by this.
Maybe some day I’ll have a dream about something happy, and maybe next time I wont die.