Blog Archives

Reasons to Be happy


  1. I love Take.
  2. He loves me too.
  3. We have nice animals friends who are fluffy and adorable and happy .
  4. They make us laugh.
  5. Cozy closets.
  6. Weird items that are oddly comforting.
  7. Chocolate
  8. Ice Bat – ugly doll
  9. Middle finger kitty
  10. T: Finding your clothes mixed in with mine .
  11. T: Waking up and taking showers
  12. Tea
  13. Coconut oil
  14. not feeling sick.
  15. When technology works
  16. Overwatch
  17. Cozy blankets
  18. Jobs
  19. Friends
  20. Good Weather
  21. Happy Memories
  22. Singing
  23. Learning an instrument
  24. Soft skin
  25. Sweet touches
  26. Kissing
  27. Cute outfits
  28. Hair cuts.
  29. Neighbors
  30. Stoner Pits
  31. New places to hang out
  32. Familiar paths through the tiny woods.
  33. Moss
  34. Green.
  35. Old creaky buildings.
  36. TBC

A Stream of Consciousness List


Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature

62. I WISH I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS

63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands

87. Likes.

88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.

Gaming Community, The Internet, and Sexism


MEN AND WOMEN AND EVERYONE IN BETWEEN.

Before we talk about these touchy subjects let’s make a helpful list :

1.We are creatures with sexual natures (asexuals you count too <3)

2. We are IMPERFECT

3. We are emotional creatures (except for you, psychopaths, you’re one of the reasons we are in this mess.)

4. We all face consequences for our actions, deservedly or not, equally or not, we face them.

5. Our bodies may have different looking reproductive organs, but we are two sides of one coin (or if you are genderless etc, you are the coin and I love you for being super cool, brave, and unique).

Ok so here are some articles I found while looking at news reports:

Game Reviewer Receives Rape Threats 

Continued article: ’30 Days of Sexism’

If you read these you will notice that this community (the world wide web connecting gamers since 19-whenever) is one of many genders, races, ethnicity, religions, blah blah diversity. Secondly, the gaming community in its wide diversity can be extremely narrow minded and can be extremely problematic in its ways of being offensive, abusive, negative, and even life threatening, (see: Swatting).

In the gaming community, things move fast and things change fast. But one thing that hasn’t changed too much is women being treated like a sexual commodity. I know this sounds strange, but I can prove it to you.

Here are some videos made by the gaming community about things that ACTUALLY happen (some of these even happened to me).

I kid you not, this kind of language and ludeness is extremely common among gamers male and female, but the intent behind them is simply offensive and wrong for both sides.

Because of the popular belief that most gamers are male (54%), the gaming culture has been formed around these chauvinistic stereotypes. This doesn’t tend to bother too many female or male gamers much, though there has been some marketing campaigns and arguments about this. “You can’t have a woman as a main character in a video game, it just won’t succeed.” (Jean-Max Morris 2013:1). This a sentiment that was argued by the producers of Morris’s game, obviously this is untrue. The sex of the main character has very little to do with the success of the game, actually, the more the game creates a community the more successful the game will be. The gaming community is comfortable for most people because all of us want to be there and participate, if we didn’t we would simply stop participating in the culture.

Females being treated badly in gaming communities is simple. Females started out as a minority in gaming culture because of the gender norms and boundaries set up in the way games were geared toward, war, violence, adventures, and monsters. These things at the dawn of gaming were “manly”, “rough and tough”, and everything but sugar and spice and everything nice. Now that gender roles in our society have evened out a little more girls dont feel like war, violence, adventure, and monsters are all that threatening to their femininity or threatening at all to face in a game. But from what I’ve seen is that the community of gamers was established on male virtues. Slogans like “Bro’s before  hoes”, “you game like a girl”, and “make me a sandwich” all stem from guys being the dominating figures of the gaming community.

Since males have dominated gaming for so long, girls who have eased their way into the community usually keep a low profile, 47% is a lot, but still women openly saying they are women on their profile or in game can be rare. This is because of threats like what Alanah Pearce received in the comments on her game review videos. For me, I’ve been online gaming in both the Xbox live and PC gaming (League of Legends mostly) communities for years, and I have actually met guys and girls online that I am still friends with after gaming since 2012. There is hope for the community to revive itself, but when environments are toxified by people with no actual understanding of what their words are doing, change can’t happen.

The best way to explain gaming culture is to experience it, but not everyone is interested or accustomed to the way gamers communicate and relate to one another. That is why most people write gamers off as uneducated and not very sensitive, when the opposite is true, gamers have feelings too we just express ourselves very differently. “Young people will always find new ways to represent their cultural concerns, in ways that inevitably alienate the previous generation. Such linguistic creativity as 1337 5p34K, characterized by adaptation and modification, has evolved from the game geek’s need to express and communicate within a supportive community of like-minded participants.”(Blashki and Nichol 2005:85) What we lack is support usually, because the gaming community is very competitive and raunchy. We like the raunchiness to a point though. Things cross lines, and our ways of communicating can be taken to whole other levels of bad. Swearing is normal, insulting people randomly is normal, threatening to rape, abuse, assault, swat, etc. is not normal or legal.

Finals Week Check List


1. Some how reacquaint myself with Alejandro

2. Get more people to accidentally flirt with

3. Cuddle with everyone

4. Fail an audition

5. Environmental Science class is still not accomplishing anything

6.English Composition II is still not accomplishing anything

7. Be annoyed by my ENG II teacher

8. Talk to Dr. Teacher

9. Send love notes

10. Get rejected

11. Cry pitifully to oneself during class

12. Throw papers manically.

13. Throw oneself onto couch in desparity

14. Devise evil plans

15. Watch stupid videos

16. Facebook too much

17. Listen to depressing music

18. Argue with That Pirate Kid

19. Get Married

20. Disappoint my father

21. Dont drive

22. Drink a lot of tea

23. Microwave a lot of tea and meals

24. Eat alone

25. SHIT TON OF MOISTURIZER

26. LIP BALM

27. Have cold hands

28. Play guitar till my fingers almost bleed and my hand falls asleep.

29. Count

30. Try to forget

31. Get depressed by the holidays

32. Cancel New Year’s Eve Party because I hate everyone

33. Unfriend a lot of people on facebook like a pro

34. Go shopping.

35. Video game therapy.

36. Block people on Xbox

37. Make new friends

38. Scrap four blog posts.

39. Pretend to do work .

40. Write long lists.

41. Go to Church

42. Send this link to people

Now that we’ve covered all that……


I’ve noticed I can’t tell anyone anything without starting at the VERY beginning. I feel like if I don’t tell them the back story to the present story they wont understand it. Maybe I just think people are a little ignorant, or maybe I know they are, but I am curious if I am using this “back story” telling as a coping mechanism.

 

I know I just wrote a blog on stress relievers, but those are specifically short-term. Those are in the moment actions to try to ease temporary pain.

But coping mechanism aren’t the same. They are long-term reactions and actions that are trying to address (or not address) ongoing or past trauma’s and problems. For instance, Anorexia, cutting, writing, therapy, working more, hyper focus on something, extreme routine, exercise, addiction (to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video games, gambling, etc.) can be a coping mechanisms. Bad or good they are. Bad coping can get you into quite a bit of trouble, as the addicts, cutters, anorexics, and workaholics know, or aren’t aware of. I know I’ve been a lot of things, and I think though some coping mechanisms are bad, if you end up an addict or something like that you learn a lot about yourself after you come out of it. Hopefully everything will get out of their addictions, at least the harmful kind, I enjoy being addicted to chocolate, its worth it. But that too is a coping mechanism. It’s comforting, its routine, and it brings about good feelings in the brain  and the tummy! So, why do it if maybe it makes you fat? Because in the end it helps.

Sometimes, the “harmful” coping kinds can be the most tempting. Sex, drugs and rock and roll, party till you die, dance till you drop, or the other side, succeed succeed succeed or fail fail fail. It’s all a lot of pressure. We have coping mechanisms for our coping mechanisms.

Maybe you drink because you hate how much you work, so then you hyper focus on sex because your drinking and work are depressing.

fuckallofyouoffice

 

Or, maybe you cut because you think you’re fat and then you become anorexic to take control of yourself in a way, then you eat a lot of chocolate and the cycle restarts.

cryingwithwine

Maybe you just want to ignore your life because it sucks so bad at home or you had a traumatic childhood so you play video games and eat all day, while failing financially and never getting an education beyond high-school. maybe you don’t even finish high-school and drop out.

sorryyousuckateverything

The possibilities are endless, but its true, all of us are using these coping mechanisms for our coping mechanisms and it’s just a horrible or terrabad cycle.

 

Ode to Stress Relievers


this

A Teenager’s Guide to Relieving Stress:

#1. Find the closest person to blab too

The more you talk the better it will be right? Get it out of your system? Well after talking to just about every single friend of yours, family members, random strangers, and maybe even the waitress that serves you lunch at your favorite restaurant everyday, you still dont feel any better.

#2. Try talking to a Professional

Hey, it works in most the movies, why not IRL (in real life) ?

#3. Decide you probably need to blow off some steam physically instead.

Run around like a child in  park. Jump off a small bridge. Get a adrenaline high by taking a run around the block. Play weird games. Still feel dissatisfied.

#4. Grab  a random make out buddy.

You thought this was the best idea yet.

#5. Oops.

You’re random make-out buddy happens to also have a significant other they forgot to mention. Feel like shit for 2 weeks.

#6. Video game + Monster + Cheetos Binge

You’re young, you’re body can handle it, just not the overwhelming pounds of homework, family drama, and friend catastrophes. When life gets tough, the teenagers get procrastinating.

#7. Decide to make changes about yourself.

Make quirky habits, like always folding your money in your wallet a certain way, or rearranging every salt and pepper shaker you come into contact with in the perfect way on that table.

#8. Pretend like everything’s alright

Everyone else is doing it.

#9. Try something new

Maybe drugs, maybe smoking, maybe a new video game, or maybe a scary combination of Greek yogurt and old crystallized honey bits with graham crackers.

#10. Try to forget you were stressed

Tell yourself many lies. Like : “I am the happiest person on the planet!” , “I love this song!” , “Best week ever!” , “School isn’t so bad.” , “I bet my mom isn’t the only women who will love me.”,  “Someday I’ll find my prince.”

lies (just saying)

#11. Wonder why you started this

Writing stuff on crumpled lined paper titled “Dear diary” isn’t making life easier. Re-watching old ’80’s films is also probably going to give you some type of eye cancer or something bad. Definitely something bad.

#12. Do random Google searches.

This will most definitely make you think about other things. But don’t visit WebM.D., You’ll probably end up being a hypochondriac and then in turn develop extreme germophobia, which will inevitably lead to agoraphobia, says WebM.D. anyways.

#13. Fuck it.

Give up the search and buckle down. Or not.

myhopesanddreams (life in Windows 7)

Hey…


I wrote a long while back a blog to my friend, or my x boyfriend x friend, and it was because he had stopped contacting me under the pretense of trying to get over me, and told me not to contact him, so, since our relationship was pretty strong, I respected his need for space. 

Until I received a text at 2 am from him saying to check my facebook. I got up during the sunlight hours, read the message and immediately did as instructed. It had been months since we had talked last, probably almost 9 since I had started dating someone else and usually other x boyfriends find their way into the wood work when that happens (or they go totally ham on you (ham meaning crazy, try hard, etc) and attempt to take your attention back to them). 

He had send me a document title: “Hey”.  In the same chat box, I could see the last message he had sent me. Something about not wanting to ever talk to me again. Liar. He had always been a bad liar anyways, and I saw right through him. That sad part was, he knew I knew, but he kept at it. 

The document contained… at least 3 pages of him talking about an extensive amount of things that were going on with him, and how he still thought of me, and still loved me, and wanted me back with all of his heart. He went on, saying 

“Truthfully, you’re reading this because you were not expecting in the slightest a message from me. Maybe you were, I don’t know how your mind reading skills have developed, but for all intents and purposes, this is completely random. “

I can only read his mind because I know him so well, but it baffles him for some reason. Adorable. 

Then he wrote so many “I’m sorry for..” and “I know you know..” I can’t quite summarize it very well. 

“Finally, I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. My mind works as well as a political organization, and is therefore subject to make completely idiotic decisions. There is so much more stuff I’d like to apologize for, but either can’t think of, or they are too relevant to list here. I’ve made bad decisions throughout the two years I’ve known you, and honestly, it feels like twenty. I’ve aged so much mentally, and gained wisdom I never would have gotten otherwise. But at what cost? In my attempt to gain the answers to everything, I lost you, friends, and people close to me. I realize now which is more important, but hindsight is always 20/20.”

While I was reading this I cried a lot. I also laughed at that second line there. “Works as well as a political organization,” great comparison. He was also really right about most of the stuff he said about things between us. We were best friends, and we fought for each other. Both of us while we knew each other were surrounded by people that tore us down, and tried to tear our relationship apart. I am proud to say those people were never the reason for our relationship coming to a close, at least not on my end… I think they may have affected him in a way I didn’t understand at the time. Our breakup was comical since it was the last of many, breakups and getting back togethers, but the after shock didn’t set in till later when his brother died. I had already been in contact with his mother a lot since he was suicidal and she was on my speed dial, but when she talked to me about the death, she told me things I would never be able to tell him. 

She knew the death wasn’t an accident. No one wanted to tell him, and I dont think he knows today. 

A year later, he and I had still been talking off and on, but never as fervently as we had that summer. 

Around the same time of year, his father had taken the plunge. I knew this was almost the last straw for him, he had always said he hated his dad, for everything, but I knew no one could hate their dad… not enough to be happy when he was dead. 

I called and left a voicemail. But I didn’t think it was enough. He called me back a day later, and we talked… I tried to make him laugh, but I think it was fake and forced. 

It’s been almost a year since then, and he hasn’t been well at all, and he refused to talk to me after that. 

 

After receiving the letter in September, we skyped, I doubted we could see each other in person. It wasn’t the same, we were different people. 

A bit of my letter in response to him:

“I look  at your name on my favorite pair of pants and its all crossed out and written over.

But its still there.

Sharpie is permanent marker and I always write in it.”

 

 

 

…..But you know me.

The Dimensions of My Dreams


No one usually believes me, but I’ve never had a good dream. I’ve always had nightmares. No matter where or when in my emotional or social life, I have always experienced strife, maybe this is the cause of my perpetual fears in my subconscious. I’ve gotten so used to having these strange nightmares, that I tend to just accept them into my consciousness after waking. Some of my dreams have even taken me to places where I learn more about who I am on the inside when my dream self is faced with conflicts a person in startrek would be faced with. Sometimes I am a man in my dreams. This mornings dream I was a man, and in a very strange place.

The World wasn’t as it should be. I was an officer in a clan, this clan had a two queens that were seemly getting more pregnant every passing minute in my dream. We seemed to be running from a large parasitic enemy that took its live victims and implanted a device to control them. (I didn’t know this till the end of my dream.)  I can’t recall what exactly our clan was fighting in the beginning of the dream, but it seemed we were fighting in a department store. This department store was one of the bottom levels of a million levels of dimensions. We retreated from this dimension to an upper one, running up what appeared to be basement stairs. In this new world we just emerged in, every thing was constructed as a giant store-room, though every shelf and wall was a mass of packed trash and decomposing apple cores and other foods.  The floor was cement. There was an overhang secluded from most of this world and we took shelter there. Another inhabitants found us and were hostile, but saw that we were just refugees of war, so they did not try to force out of their world. A relationship started to bloom between their male leader and our female one, the older sister of the two queens.  This took shape ver quickly, and in a blur we seemed to have lived there for  some time. In the clearest parts of my dream the two leaders came together for a visit, guards and officers preoccupied with them when the enemy we had hidden from attacked the dimensions natives first. They were almost wiped out before we noticed. I turned a corner hearing a laser fire with a quick shot shortly after. It was an infected native, I could tell by the ripped eye sockets now filled with blue electricity. This man shot a crawling body as I turned the corner at my feet. He focused on my and tried to fire direct t my head but I dodged the yellow and gold stream of life from his gun. He tried firing his shotgun attachment but missed again and grazed the wall next to me. Frustrated, he lounged at me, and I ducked below the muzzle of his weapon and flipped it so it was directed at him. I shot him holding down the trigger so the beam of yellow and gold would liquidate his flesh. He disappeared.

I flew down the coradoores and reached the fort where my clan was scattered and dead. At this point I wasn’t concerned about my fellow-men, or even my queen, or even keeping peace between the natives, it was fight and flight or death.  The programmed soldiers were running down a ramp, their blue sockets pointing at me, I fired at them and disintegrated 10, and then I ran out of room to run. I was corned and more enemies were pouring into the dimensions from all the entrances. My gun was out of laser to fire, and I didn’t know how to operate the shotgun attachment to keep myself protected, and every enemy stopped firing. I was the last.

“You are the last of this world to fall to us. And you will be the first to rise with us.” they said, holding a triangular plastic implant, wires and cords springing from it. It was poised to be shoved down my throat.

Waking up after this was very strange. I wanted to see what I would become, deffenceless as I was. I’m not sure what this means, but I do know since I have not watched an alien movie or played an alien game for so long it has not been influenced by this.

Maybe some day I’ll have a dream about something happy, and maybe next time I wont die.