(Aside: This is a piece I wrote for the Matrix magazine that I am the junior editor of.)
When the cheating starts, the fighting, the lying, the crushing anxiety. When the fear sets in, and the threats start coming in waves and you want to crawl inside yourself and never leave. When you hide yourself, not your face or your body but you, the colorful, nurtured, lively you. The one who dances in fields in their dreams and has flowers in their hair.
No that person is hidden underneath the shame. Underneath the lies.
The biggest lie is that there is only one way to love.
I was told that loving was limited. The prince and princess and their one love.
Heterosexuality. Monogamy. A singular unity between two people.
This is a lie.
I was scared to question my feelings. I was scared to share with my friends my doubts. They’d say: “No, there is no way you could be a lesbian.”
And I say lesbian because, yet again I thought, it can’t be possible for me to like more than one. I must be greedy. Lustful. Out of control. I must be ravenous for some kind of contact.
But I’m not. I just have a capacity to love more than one gender and more than one person. And that was a well too deep for me to look down into, and when I did look I thought it was just an illusion and it was actually shallow. Shallow as if being more capable to love more than one gender and more than one person was crippling to my heart.
Then, knowing that monogamy and heterosexuality was an incapability of mine, I was unable to love at all.
It happens in all the movies, books, tv shows, and comics where the lead character is dating/with someone who is really not the right person for them, and the lead character never takes a hint. I’ve done this. Dating people who drive me insane, infuriate me, insult me, degrade me, or don’t even notice my affection to them. Right now its the last one. This person doesn’t even see how much I care for them. Totally oblivious, and this person is okay with this blissful oblivion, this one actually prefers to be in the dark rather than confused in with overwhelming knowledge.
I hate this.
My life is composed my finding, getting, and learning new things. When someone I meet seems like they are interested in learning new things, I teach them. But this time around I find myself doing too much instructing. I get sick of teaching people everyday skills. Exempla Gratia: how to do your hair, how to tweeze your eyebrows, how to wear clothes, how to clean a room, how to pack a bag, how to chew, how to smile (I am not kidding you), how to speak english, how to make babies….. You probably are getting the picture.
Yeah, I am inconceivably frustrated with humanity and my overwhelming need to help them. I don’t want to anymore. I need to focus on actually getting somewhere in my career. I need to focus on getting college aps in, and job aps, and my freaking license to drive myself to my job! I need to grow up and not try to help others do so. They’re on their own from here on out.
I wrote an article on MCR breaking up…. it made me remember how many fans cried while I just couldn’t find it in me to do so, even though I was very sad… but it wasn’t tear worthy. What was tear worthy, was my heart being broken by someone it was stupid for me to even fall for in the first place.