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A Stream of Consciousness List


Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature

62. I WISH I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS

63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands

87. Likes.

88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.

The Most Sad Blog Post That Ever Will Be


These past weeks have really sucked. Not because nothing good happened, but because all the good things were spoiled by disappointments, and disaster took ever shining moment into a tainted crimson version of what it could’ve been. Which was a nice sepia, but that’s not what these weeks look like now, they are sad.

Lyrics that I relate to right now: (Here With Me by Dido)

Oh I am what I am
I’ll do what I want
But I can’t hide
I won’t go
I won’t sleep
I can’t breathe
Until you’re resting here with me
I won’t leave
I can’t hide
I cannot be
Until you’re resting here with me

Fell in love with a nice boy, he said he wanted a commitment. I told him even though that was hard for me, I’d do it for him. A day later he ended things making excuses about not knowing what the future held and being not ready for it.
Two days later he is making out with his best friend’s girl.
So honestly…
Rough knows what’s up.
“Let’s still be friends.”

Ha. You’re funny. 

A Special Message To Complainers


On any given day, people complain about being unloved, alone, sad, unsatisfied and lonely. On Valentine’s day this is increased 1000000000x fold. People in a relationship either complain about their significant other or they gloat about all the things they did and stuff they received. These rants  can be prolonged starting from the beginning of February to a week after the 14th. I am realizing now how much I hate people that complain. Especially this one kid in my Political Science class that never shuts up.

exhalesloudly

Yet, here I am complaining about complainers. Wonderful.

foxy

Then there are the complainers that project their ideas of what should happen on to you like so:

“I got a special ticket to a special event and an extra one for the guest of my choice! Guess who I will dress up as?”

Some dude: “*A very sexy lady that is his favorite character*”

me: “No… *some other chick*” 

Some dude: “U mean the one I could be the other half too? Is that what the other ticket is for?”

me: “………………………………………… just wow.”

everyonehereverystoned(dat James Marsters tho)

This never ends for me.

What I want to do allllll the time:

silverlingingplaybookfu

And then say not so politely in 5 words:

tumblr_n01lsvLX6p1tpinpgo1_500

Well… Valentine’s day was a nice. I gave gifts to friends and it was nice, although I didn’t receive any except for one yesterday that was fine with me. I got plenty of good cupcakes from friends.

and I am 17 now. It doesn’t sit right with me really. But, I realize that now isn’t about now, now is about getting to R, and until at R, now is just whats happening. Get thee to a NunneRRRRRy, me, before Hamlet cries himself a river of blood and I gotta drown in it.

But until then,

don’t you forget about me.

breakfastclub

Would it be weird if…


1. I planned out my birthday outfit 5 days in advance.

2. A few weeks ago I felt inspired by colored hairspray and went on a rampage and sprayed my whole head black, took pictures, posted them on FB and freaked everyone out. then I did the same with pink immediately after…my hair was SO clean after that. I probably shampooed my hair around 5 times.

3. I cry when my hormones flair up for almost no reason.

4. My laptop sticker that says “Freedom” is from a stamp sheet.

5. I don’t know how many people have seen me with just a bra, I can’t count anymore.

6. Hold ’em tight texts me at 1 am and we talk about masturbating. Yup. Teenagers. I never thought the day would come.

7. My dad thinks I sleep with everyone from my school, including all of my best guy friends from outside of school… smoker you the most.

8. This notion stated above has spread so wide Mr. Teacher and my entire school compare me with The Wife Of Bath from Chaucer and Clytemnestra.

9. I think that’s cool in all, just what exact traits? I would not want to fate myself into having 5 bad husbands and a husband that sacrifices my daughter so he can have a good journey, then gets killed by my son.. That would be really uncool.

10. I hate who I am attracted too. The guys I have chemistry with are Manwhores. What does that say about me? aw, fuck it means I am there pimp! What is this sorcery?

11. okay, okay, maybe its not that bad…. (don’t lie to yourself Zany, it really is that bad..)

12. Dafuq is happening to me?!?!?!?!

13. Don’t answer that I already know,

14. INSANITY. HYSTERIA. I AM LOSING IT! HA HA!.

15….k calm down. It’s chill.

16. Its freaking highschool. What I am gonna do? SURVIVE.

17. This is really getting out of hand….On one side, my girls friends say: “OMG STFU Zany, you need to stop obsessing and just, *tosses really long hair and checks how nails look* just like um stop. Don’t get involved.” *they go and make out with their boyfriend. they didn’t even let me evaluate or tell me they even met them before dating.* And the boys are saying: “Oh you should just breath, go hook up with some dude, don’t care about it. threesome? PLEASE?” *begs for hours*

18. Anyone seeing a pattern here?

19. See why I am confused NOW?

20. Yeah. FML. I am gonna go watch Doctor Who, play minecraft, and keep writing shit….and pray that everything will turn out. *straight A’s straight A’s… please!*

 

Just another list…


As many of my close friends already know, I have several lists of stuff… especially of existing beings. (i.e. all the living people around me.) I have a list of girls and guys, rating their  personality and looks randomly enough…. I believe when that was created it was at 3 in the morning with my best friend, just like my first experience with my little pony, and the brony bunch. That’s another story that could take a while to explain.

Back to what was the reason for this blog, this strange urge to make lists of primarily sexual girly cruelty I have seems to pay off to help me get my thoughts organized, (including my fantasies), I have this list that I broke down of my guy friends, I put down several categories for them. I will use fake names that represent these persons.

Lovers (metaphorical for closer guy friends): Mega Brains-Boob Ogler

My Angelic Buttery Satan

Repunsal

Husbands(metaphorical for men that I may not be close to but are either involved with in a joke or are being I have never met and seen on YouTube or other thing.. etc. few may not exist.)

Chuck Norris

John117

YOUFREAKINNERD

Tobuscus

Sons (metaphorical for those that I would like my future children to posses their traits): The Nice One-SKYPER

John Jr.

Boyfriend(this is not metaphorical): M’Dear

Brothers/AWKWARD (code for: your out of my league.) GothKidNextDoor

The X

The Other X

The Awkward Hair Guy

Blurry(those I wish had more compatible personalities with me): Lovely Man

Mike Eyes

Enemies: Jerk-face #1. #2. #3. #4. #5. #6 etc.

This list is probably the best thing I have ever constructed out of every list I have made.

hm…. might need to make a list of rating of everything I’ve written…..I should get started on that this summer….