Blog Archives

A Stream of Consciousness List

Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature


63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands


88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.


Being Apart and Retrouvailles

Retrouvailles [French]

The Happiness of meeting again after a long time

There are lots of ways that people can be separated. Whether “separate” meaning ending of a relationship, friendship, or bond; or meaning separated by distance and time rather than breaking off that relationship, being apart is painful.

I’ve had friends all over the world, some which I’ve been able to see yearly or more and others that I have never seen.

I have friends I’ve grown up with that became the closest and most important people in my life graduate high school and go far away for college. It hurt to be apart from them. It hurt to lose the physical connection we had and to lose the fulfilling meetings we used to have regularly. But we had retrouvailles when we were finally able to get together during summer, winter, and spring breaks.

Separation changes relationships and changes people. Communication and visiting become more special, but also more difficult. Talking to one another can become a chore, or become monotonous because the same questions are always being asked. “How was your day?” “What did you do?” “How is everyone back home?” “How is school?” “What are your classes like?”‘How was work?”. After a while it feels like there is nothing more to say over the phone or via text.

It feels like the distance between the two of you is prying a wedge between you even more than you thought it would.


It’s costly on everyone in many ways. Seeing friends means gas money, spending money for activities, and food. Seeing friends means a plane ticket home or to them, expenses of travel and the like.

Being apart from friends means you might make new friends and lose those friends, or the flux of new friends is whittled down to the ones that you actually like talking to you, rather than the ones which are just convenient to converse with. The difference between a study buddy and a real pal. It costs time and effort to be happy, to stay happy, and to preserve the happiness that you have with those you love most in the world.

The hardest part about these expenses, is making sure they are worth it, and remain worth it.


Something being worth your time is far from something which is just convenient. Although, convenience does assist in keeping things that are worth your time.

Convenience is having a neighbor that you can barrow things from politely and they have the same relationship with you, but you wouldn’t invite them over for a heart-to-heart about your dying uncle and the struggles of cancer in your family.

The kind of person you invite over for that serious conversation who thinks you are worth their time is the friend that maybe it isn’t all that convenient for them to see you. That’s why it is special when you see each other, because when you do, both of you have planned that chat, that cup of tea or coffee, that special meeting spot, or the favorite seats in your living room. The date’s been on your calendar and it has been something the two of you texted about for weeks. Making sure both could be there around the same time, prepared and with lots to say.

But also with this best friend, you don’t always need something to talk about. Silence can convey what you need it to as well. Because sometimes all you can say is “I’m so glad you are here,” with me because I need you and you are worth it and I love being with you because I love you. 

And you know they are thinking the same thing and don’t need to say it.


Harmony in the those moments of retrouvailles.

Sexiness….. is it real?

A word on Sexy and  Addicts

So many people think you must have the right “bod” to be sexy. Or alluring eyes, luscious hips, voluptuous boobs, nice abs, muscle tone, a tan, nice hair,  perfect skin, the right sized lips (not too big not too small) the list goes on. The truth is, it’s not about your body.

Some of the most unsexy  people can be the most sexy because they send the correct messages with their aura, their glances, and the way they position themselves in a room. It’s all about perceiving them as sexy when it’s really all about how good they are at knowing their own body.

This is all from some conversations and observations I’ve made recently. Of course, being a Victoria Secret model or a Abercrombie and Fitch boy helps, but I can’t even step foot in those stores because they smell so goddamn awful.

Smell. If I took a survey on why girls like certain boys their smell would affect how much the girls liked the boys by over 50%.  I know this as well because I know some really skuzzy boys who smell really nice and it makes me like them. Even if they are dumb and have nothing better to do in life other than smoke weed and play video games (just sized up pretty much all the guys I know) as long as they smell really nice and know how to be sexy in their own way (aura, personality, words, body language) they are attractive.

This kinda sucks.

It sucks because these guys are skuzzy. They don’t have anything to offer my brain, my body, or my heart. This doesn’t mean they don’t have anything to offer the world; they got fuck loads of fun and hilarity, but intellectual conversations and real TLC are lacking. It’s very disappointing since its very easy to fall for a sweet boy who is pretty harmless and easy/fun to be around. But would you want to date a pot smoking, barely educated, video game addict? No, its  a vicious cycle of addiction and blurred boundaries.

As you can probably tell there is some situation where I (or someone I am close with) is dealing with a pot smoking video game addict that is being sexy.  I pretty much deal with guys like this all the time since  I am an avid video game player and I frequent the culture and community. There are people who are fun and boisterous, some of them even have so much love to give it uncontainable. (really adorable too) But there is one we call Teemo that is not so loving, but gives everything else. He has it down to a T. The body language, the smell, the words, the right moves at the right time – its almost rehearsed. (I wouldn’t doubt if it was..)  So how does one deal with such a man? By befriending and being on guard? By unfriending and not acknowledging attraction? By sidling up and soaking in what’s there to receive? I’ve already made my decision but my friend GirlyinGold still needs some ideas.


Some…. weird shit.

If you name a dick Uncle Sam does that mean the Government is a dick?


She is amazing.


This is to the tune of : Inside out by Eve 6 , Machinehead by Bush, and Hey Man, Nice Shot! by Filter.

Some good 90’s rock.

Lyric of the day for my friend GirlyinGold

“I’m not as ugly, sad as you
Or am I origami, folded up and just pretend
Demented as the motives in your head”

Girly and I have had some issues with a certain someone and both going in circles with each other and this mofo. So I made my final decision and she did too. No more sharing because manwhores are not going to be encouraged.

This is what life is like now, things are a tad dramatic, but I can deal because angst is a powerful motivator. Very powerful.

Some views on Marijuana:

Doesn’t really do anything seriously beneficial except for make you feel “floaty” and light.

Makes people really unmotivated.

Kills brain cells.

Has bad effects on certain individuals and makes them very irrationally emotional or angry.

Smells like shit.




And stoner’s are just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo obnoxious.

Fuck’in Schizandra berries.




Pick up line of the day:

“Dang babe, are you my most recent Calc grade? Cuz I’d say you’re a 10 with a curve.”