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A Stream of Consciousness List


Inspired by Barbara Ann Kiper’s book “14,000 Things To Be Happy About”.

1. That thought niggling in the back of your head for weeks about that one thing you wish you could avoid

2. Unavoidable situations

3. The inevitability of confrontation and circumstance

4. Both the calm and the rage

5. Emotions that are tangled together like the ball of yarn in the back of your grandma’s closet from 1958.

6. The moldy bread that disappoints to the point of anger

7. Hatred for hatred

8. The inevitability of them finding out

9. Resolving to repent

10. Relentless self doubt

11. Self hatred

12. Self harm

13. Verbal inner abuse

14. The torture of guilt

15. The relief of a pent up word.

16. Anxiety

17. The realization that every human being is living a life just as complicated as your own

18. Sonder

19. Understanding humans are almost unjudgeable. Morals, ethics, and human rights are all a concepts of our cultural consensus and collective attitude in an individualistic universe striving against itself in its hypocritical ways.

20. Chaos and Order aren’t quite as dissimilar as they seem.

21. Love and Hate are not opposites, but simply one is the softer version of the other and the harsher version of itself

22. The feeling of flying after breathing slowly

23. Doubting if anything ever said is truly unique

24. Doubting if “unique” actually exists.

25. Jazz recordings from 1938

26. Discrepancies.

27. “Ubiquitous” is still one of my favorite words, unfortunately, it is not ubiquitous. (hehe)

28. Pressing the repeat button to listen to my soul song of the night.

29. Him. Who is always on my mind.

30. Him. Who is often on my mind.

31. Him. Who is sometimes on my mind

32. Him. Who I would like to pleasantly vacate.

33. Him. Who should really blow this taco stand.

34. Him. Who needs to kindly fuck off.

35. Her.

36. Telekinesis

37. Telepathy.

38. Best friends

39. Know-it-alls

40. Synonyms.

41. Ecce. ego sum mortem.

42. How uncool people are

43. The idea of “cool” being such a vague term I wish I could forgo ever using it in a colloquial sentence ever again in my existence.

44. Extensive vocabulary.

45. Mother fucking scholars

46. Anticipation

47. Mother Fucking Stupid Ass Bitches

48. Uncultured tongues with a plethora of explicit content.

49. Not having to explain what that sentence means to someone

50. Carpal tunnel

51. Bad conditions for creativity.

52. Comfortability

53. Affordability.

54. The reason I am writing this

55. “Goal setting”

56. Careers are for losers who don’t play instruments

57. “I’m a writer, I need my fucking space.”

58. Hidden genius’.

59. Fucking diseases of the soul

60. Humans are an infection upon the earth

61. Mother nature

62. I WISH I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THIS

63. I write poems because I’m sad.

64. I’m sad because I write poems

65. I write songs because I can hear them in my head

66. And they wont shut up until I sing them

67. I write lists because they write themselves on the insides of my skull

68. And they only way to wash them off is to get them out through my fingers.

69. This is why I have carpal tunnel.

70. This is why I stay up all night

71. This is why I think too much

72. This is why I hate myself.

73 This is why I can’t believe you.

74. I thought I was good at this

75. A list longer than 612 pages.

76. Numbers can’t write themselves

77. But I wish math could solve its own problems.

78. Girls who are too innocent to understand they are innocent.

79. Sexaul repression.

80. Parental sheltering

81. Misunderstandings.

82. Compound words ^^

83. Antecedents

84. Vague pronoun use

85. Nathaniel Hawthorne

86. Song lyrics quoted on social media no one understands

87. Likes.

88. Dislike button

89. Disaster

90. Fucking it all up.

91. Cheating the system

92. Realizing the system was made up

93. Making up your own rules

94. Pointless laughter

95. References too advanced for your knowledge of history, philosophy, and literature.

96. Books written in 430 B.C.

97. Hieroglyphics

98. Happiness

99. Nerds

100. A list that will hopefully last forever.

SRSLY?… WTF


When I say: “I hate boys” I am not refering to the entire male population. I am refering to the boys that live with me. And boys being a derogitory term for their immaturity.

I am sorry to all the men/youthful men that must read this…. But I am quite frustrated right now..

Frustrations:

1. A TON of songs that I absolutely love because of their sound, their great rhythm, and amazing vocals, are usually about men hitting women. Not kidding:

             (sublist) a. Never Again – Nickleback
                            b. Pick up the Phone -Falling in Reverse 
                            c. Smooth Criminal – Alien Ant Farm
                            d. Chop Suey! – System of a Down
                            e. The Day That Never Comes -Metallica
                            f. Men Are All The Same – The Used
                            g. I Don’t Love You – My Chemical Romance

2. Why..?? Why must this infect my life? All these guys either the attackers or defenders, its still happening. Not saying that men dont get attacked either, but have you ever seen that on the daily news? “Wife brutally beats husband because she was unsatisfied with blah.” C’mon people.

3. The men I must deal with abuse me emotionally ever day of my life. Now this is not a pity party, just to put it out there. But the thing that bothers me about this, is that the inapropriate behavior that I suffer under is a direct correlation to what all these guys experienced from their parents. To make things worse, if this doesn’t end now in my generation with my brother and cousins then it well never end. These traits will never be resolved, this bitterness will be carried for eternity.

4. As stated above, this will be catastrophic. So please, as a gift to your sons and daughters, and their sons and daughters etc, please stop the madness……

Thanks guys, and you know I love you for who you are, not who you are tormented by.

Swears


I’m writing this while listening to my favorite band. (can you guess?)

I’ve been raised to not swear by my mom, and to swear (especially when drunk) by my father. Now that I am a young adult I can make more decisions for myself, such as what vocab I use. At 12, I hung with a cruel group of teens a few years older than me who liked to swear in random bursts. I didn’t really like it then and only tried to stop them. But I got addicted to the sound of the words, the effect they had on other people’s faces, and the way they made my sentences sound. The way they made me sound. I sounded dangerous, rebellious, different, and somewhere between grown up and immature. Until I was 14, I loved the swears, but something changed. I cant remember what it was, maybe it was something I heard somewhere.. maybe at Berea, the trip I went on with my youth group. Or maybe it was the falling out I had with my group of ruffians after my disaster of a three-way birthday party. (Joe and I both turning 14 in the same month and Josh turning 17.) It was the worst birthday party in the history of my birthday parties (and I have had some pretty bad ones.) That year I entered 9th grade early, and went to the public high for Drama club and met new best friend Nick D. He swore even more than my old friends. But the difference between him and them is when I asked him to not swear, he would try. He cared about me and respected my views, even if those views were confusing for him to understand. We ended up spending almost everyday together for around 4 months, maybe more. Both of us having a very platonic relationship. And we spoke freely about our relationships at the time, and neither lasted. He turned me to swearing again, but this time it wasn’t to hear my voice, or to see other people reactions, it was for the true use of passion in speech. It was for usage and not for impression.

Nick taught me a lot about things I had never thought of. After all he was 2 years older than me and much less naive as I was. Some things I took badly too, other things I liked. He’s at boot camp now. And he’ll be graduating this coming year. I miss him.

Although I was more used to swearing because of him, I barely used it. It wasn’t something I needed. It wasn’t part of my daily vocabulary. It wasn’t necessary.

My 15 birthday brought so much joy, it was the best party ever! Although I was still heart broken from my little fling during the fall, I was willing to put it behind me for an amazing night with my best girlfriends. And it truly was the best night. It was even better than prom. Everyone dressed as fairies and looked unique because they brought their own take on what a fairy would be like. My hair was completely purple so I was a dark faery of the night. That night we swore. We laughed, and we laughed so hard we cried and swore more. We played truth or dare and swore happily, we played Kings and swore, because everything we said was unspeakable in public. We watched a movie and cursed at it. We had so much fun. And so peacefully we slept in my living room after eating to the brink of barfing candy, cake and pizza. I’ll never forget that night.

I started gaming a lot. I played Xbox almost daily. And everyone I met online, including my new boyfriend was avidly swearing about everything. They missed a shot on someone during a quick scoping match, they would cuss loudly. If someone made fun of their gamer-tag, an exchange of cuss words and profanities were thrown around, sometimes peppered with sexist or racist comments. Whenever  I spoke with my boyfriend and his friends on Xbox their was so much swearing I wouldn’t let my parents hear the volume on the TV. I kept it strictly in the Turtle Beach Headset. Almost the opposite happened when I was on the phone with him. He barely swore when he was away from the Xbox. I swore more when I was away from it. We broke up 3 weeks ago but it had nothing to do with swearing and everything to do with indecision and unsureness. We talked on the phone for 2 hours today to talk about a lot things. We laughed and swore a lot. We swore because people in our lives are fucked. His brother died this month. Our ‘friends’ tried to break us up an uncountable amount of times, and we had struggled for sometime. But its water under the bridge, and my bridge is made of the strongest stuff, they wont be getting at me any time soon.

I used a lot of swears today. And in the past months since February 20th 2012 I have sworn more and more. And have become  more and more aware and accustomed to swears. I don’t see them as bad, I see them as expression of wrong, but not wrong itself.

What do you think about swears?

So…..I’m still listening to MCR and they just keep getting better.


I’ve been subscribed to on Face Book by DorkDownTown and he wont leave my statuses alone or my picture uploads. I never said I hated him, quite the contrary, but really? everything must be virtually touched by you on the Ethernet?

Anyways.. The title of this ^^ is about my favorite band which makes me exceedingly happy. And I just erased an emoticon from that sentence. Emoticons have taken our precious language and vocabulary and turning it into symbols that some how represent facial expressions that then in turn represent inner emotions. What is my generation coming to? Clinical depression and anorexia? Not much good is coming of the social networks. Though billions of dollars have been made from just Farm-ville no doubt, I’m not quite sure if the encouragement of virtual farm care is very good for the working class populace which should actually go out and take care of their own farm, with real animals that probably need food, water, and fresh hay, and not to mention tender-love-and-care.

In an explanation of my immaturity, I may not be right about 99.99% of the stuff I write, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t write it, just means, don’t quote me on the Farm-ville producing billions of dollars in sales and stuff like that.. because I don’t know anything.

I think I’m getting too political right now.. so I’m not going to write anymore. It could be detrimental to my future career…. If this blog isn’t already.

Frank Iero


Two days ago, I think it was, I was on Facebook perusing the news feed, when I saw a post from the super star I subscribed too. He wrote, “How many people cried to this song?” and under was a link to one of his band’s songs “Sing”. I commented below, “I cried while singing.” I wasn’t expecting him to actually respond, he did though. After a small comment conversation, I posted on his wall, and then made my status say I was talking to him, and we talked for some time…

Frank Iero, you are amazing, a true artist, and you inspire me.

Though, my conversation was trivial, and virtual, I really enjoyed it. My mother thinks I’m crazy, but sing my nick name literally means “Crazy but likable” I know I chose right to name myself that…

Today was the last day of New Hope Tutorials, and Mr. Teacher is going to read my short story about Arachibutyrophobia in the next few days. (And I spelled that with out googling it, and google can be both a verb and a noun, says Mr. Teacher.)

Merry Christmas Readers! And Happy New Year!

I know, I know, you want to kill people, just write about it instead. Please.


My Chemical Romance, no matter how much that proves that they are ingenious musicians, there is no way to disprove that they are obsessed with death and destruction of everything breathing…. But, I still love them just as much. Even though they are psychotic, but who do you think is writing? I am definitely not all right. “I’m not okay, (I promise)” Best MCR song EVER!

So its been 12 days since I wrote that. I’m slacking in my commitment to this blog. Majorly slacking.

In the past hour, and few days, I’ve been very…well pissed off about my schools regulations on “proper forms of affection”. I do not think that being a couple, or love struck teenager, is a sin that could damn me and my signficant other to hell. I believe the opposite. That, when in love, though there be restrictions according my beliefs, those are over come by marriage which is the union of goodness. Not damnation.  This is risky for me to write, since one of my teachers has knowledge of this site. But, there is such thing as speaking one’s mind without being rude, but I am not well versed in that. Too bad.

My interest in Zombies, is declining with a sad and ungrateful noise. And my love for Aliens is now that I have become one in many ways to my peers.

Snitches. I call them snitches even though that probably isn’t the correct term for someone who complains of being uncomfortable around the hidden hormones of their friends, when really it is their own hormones they are uncomfortable with. The power of hormones is unstoppable, the public school is still trying to hide this despite of it’s blatantly obviousness in their halls.

My fashion sence has disappeared with the rules that constrict me. I am now submitting to the sad place where fashion becomes knife earings.

DEAN


Tea, is one of the first words that comes to mind when I think of Dean. He’s awesome.

Dean, is a friend of mine, that has become a brother, though two years older than me, he feels like my little brother. *pats him on the head* Dean thinks I play video games too much, primarily Black ops (Blops), and that’s what gives me such scary dreams that I tend to blog about. This mornings dream…was really strange and was the aftermath of a conversation I had last night with my friend Nick. Hopefully what happened in my dream will never in the world happen in physical reality. I’d be very…terrified if it did.  Zombie apocalypses that everyone is ready for anyways isn’t so terrifying. Well…maybe a bit hard to comprehend how they would happen but, you could always reference any horror movie or video game for that information. Like wise with Aliens and vampires. I wonder how a Vampire Apocalypse would turn out? hm..there is a good song about that one though: Vampires will never hurt you, by My Chemical Romance. LOVE THAT SONG!! moving on….

Going through my closet the other day and attempting to clean it, I  remembered that I have….dare I say, over 40 dresses. I also have probably 10 different jackets, 5 of which are all black. I also noticed that I have an extreme number of small frilly skirts from hot topic and a scary accumulation of one piece casual jumper things… I’m wearing one right now.  Good thing I don’t have as many shoes as I know some other friends do.. *sighs of relief* Need to cut back on my fashionesta-sprees! I haven’t shopped for months and I am really feeling the with-drawl.

I have homework to write an essay analyzing Frankenstein by Marry Shelly. I picked the most interesting topic I was slightly inspired by, unrequited love. Its gonna be a really depressing paper. Just like the book. Did you know that in each paragraph there is at least 3 words describing some type of sad feeling. The words, “Grief” “Fear” “loathsome” “disturbing” “demon” “hateful” “distaste” “anguish” “mocking” “unhappiness” “hideous” “wretched” “filthy” “deformity” “gloomy” “murderer” “destroyed” “suffering” “illness” “weakness” “despair” “loneliness” “evil” “horror” “agony” “desolate” “terrible” “disaster” “frightful” “guilt” “lawless” “aggravation” “deserted”  are putrid and ubiquitous.

Drew


This is your personal blog post.
This blog post, is dedicated to you, because you read my blog and endure my silly thoughts that I type here.
I’m really happy to know that I and strangers are not the only ones reading this. It brings me some hope that I can finish a book or two, with fans,
Oh, now for Zombies and Aliens, they are….ah usually flesh eating beings who tend to be a part of my every blog post. And….that makes them….important? The fictional things that make up my life are really stimulating for my stories. I should write something about aliens now…
I keep listening to “the Death of Judas” over and over again. He has so much passion when he sings, he sounds so inspiring, and I wonder if he was what inspired My Chemical Romance to use rock and roll and his screamo jazz together.