This is my problem. It leads to me never believing that others can love me because I’m simply not worthy of it.
It isn’t women that I don’t believe though, I mostly trust girls. But I can’t trust guys, (sorry if this sounds sexist but… it has been my overarching experience through my life).
I’ve never been good enough for my dad, never strong enough to chop wood or athletic enough to draw the attention of my Dad’s dad, (my grandad). I was never good enough for a lot of guys I liked or dated in the past. There was always something about me that needed to change for them to be pleased. Mostly my body. I was never enough for a lot of other people because they wanted me to be there constantly, and well, I have a life I need to live too.
I’ve never felt good enough to love someone else because of this. As if I wasn’t worth enough to give someone else adoration. But then at the same time, I’m too worthless not too, because everyone else must be more deserving than I to receive love. I’ve felt so unworthy in the past that I just summed it up to being incapable of loving others. Incapable of commitment and loyalty because I’m not good enough anyway.
“A Bed Full of Safety”
Even though I have no reason to really think I’m not enough right now. I know I’m talented, intelligent, strong, and mature, I can’t shake the feeling of never being good enough. I can’t help but remember that I couldn’t love, and I couldn’t truly be loved by others, I can’t stop feeling helpless in the fact that I’m just starting to live, just learning how to be.
But being isn’t easy.
I know I shouldn’t believe that I am not enough, but it’s hard to not believe it when I’ve disappointed so many people.
Being a Fashionista and loving the arts doesn’t have anything to do with a breach in moral integrity. I have my morals, many of them actually, but I also love fashion no matter what the style. If its showy, scandalous, and edgy, it might be all the better! I have been interested in these individualistic arts since I can remember, and person after person has seen this and most have not been able to see where I draw my lines. Maybe its cus I am flashy, and I am pushing my limits and social ones. But isn’t that the point of self discovery? Is it not the reason of youthful rebellion (or life rebellion) to find oneself by going a little to far or not far enough? I like the world to look boundless because some boundaries get in the way. Boundaries like: Dress appropriately, speak respectfully (no swears), keep formalities. I hate some of these boundaries in many situations. I want to leap over barriers, and bound across enemy land, I want to see what they don’t want me to see, know what they don’t want me to know, and say what I shouldn’t say.
Today, I stumbled upon a beautiful manifestation. Nasty Gal created and run by Sophia Amoruso. I saw an article about her and the company on Yahoo news, and immediately, I knew exactly where I wanted to be. I read through the whole article, and it stated somewhere in there that “Nasty Gal” the domain name before had been owned by a porno website, and also that passers by of the store had made remarks on the clothing of Nasty Gal. This instead of being a red flag for me, was a “OMG! THIS IS WHERE I BELONG.” I showed this discovery with my mother moments after and she encouraged me to look into it more. Then…. I realized, I am 16…. My mom said I should contact Nasty Gal to see if I could intern during the summer. (Which would be a dream come true!)
I know where I stand on many things, social, political, and religious. I most certainly do not regret who I am, or who I have become. I love myself. But I believe many others have a hard time understanding I can agree with conservative views when my public self is much more liberal, and even anarchic.