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The Biggest Lie I Was Ever Told

(Aside: This is a piece I wrote for the Matrix magazine that I am the junior editor of.)

When the cheating starts, the fighting, the lying, the crushing anxiety. When the fear sets in, and the threats start coming in waves and you want to crawl inside yourself and never leave. When you hide yourself, not your face or your body but you, the colorful, nurtured, lively you. The one who dances in fields in their dreams and has flowers in their hair.

No that person is hidden underneath the shame. Underneath the lies.

The biggest lie is that there is only one way to love.

I was told that loving was limited. The prince and princess and their one love.

Heterosexuality. Monogamy. A singular unity between two people.

This is a lie.

I was scared to question my feelings. I was scared to share with my friends my doubts. They’d say: “No, there is no way you could be a lesbian.”

And I say lesbian because, yet again I thought, it can’t be possible for me to like more than one. I must be greedy. Lustful. Out of control. I must be ravenous for some kind of contact.

But I’m not. I just have a capacity to love more than one gender and more than one person. And that was a well too deep for me to look down into, and when I did look I thought it was just an illusion and it was actually shallow. Shallow as if being more capable to love more than one gender and more than one person was crippling to my heart.

Then, knowing that monogamy and heterosexuality was an incapability of mine, I was unable to love at all.

My name

The legitimate meaning of my name Zany is crazy. See:

So you see, it must be true.

I’m going to be baby sitting two adorable boys in an hour, hopefully gonna get free pizza.

Anyways, I dedicated a long sentimental post on Face Book for all my friends that have been there for me in the past years especially in the past months.

I’ve been forcing myself to write terrible poetry in the last couple of days, maybe something good will come of it, I’m thinking of writing more today and tonight. Most of them are things titled “Tear” or “Guilt” or “its 1 am and I’m crying for no reason and people wont stop texting me”…. yeah you get the picture.

I think I might try actually finishing a short story or two before the summer is over. I’m not sure how good they will be, (probably awful) and most likely about gay teenagers or zombie teenagers. Those are actually two topics I write about the most…other than fan-fiction… shhh!!